As the old year ends and a new one begins, we asked capnwacky.com staff and friends to share with us their resolutions for the coming 365 days. Here they are:

Cap'n Wacky (mascot-elect): I resolve to be a multiplier, not a divider. I resolve to reach across the aisle. I'm building a bridge. I'm bridging the gap. I'm gonna wash that man right out of my beard. I resolve to avoid specifics and speak in vague, but uplifting-sounding cliches. I'm bringing people together.

Cap'n Shifty (temporary mascot, on his way out): Revenge.

Brodie H. Brockie (website co-creator, co-president Amalgamated Humor, Inc.): I resolve to continue to work harder on this little web funhouse than anything else in my life that would actually make sense to try to improve, such as my career, my health, or my relationships with other human beings.

R.J. White (website co-creator, co-president Amalgamated Humor, Inc.): To hate less, and love more. Once that's accomplished, apply it to people other than myself.

Gary Newbrunswick (Amalgamated Humor Vice President of Public Relations): I resolve to send out The Cap'n's Log newsletter with much greater frequency until it drives all the subscribers away and men carrying pitchforks and torches throw Spam at my house. Of course, to do that they'd need three arms, so I'll probably keep it up for a while.

Hairy Knavel (host of It Ain't Cool In The Basement News): To really buckle down and lose the weight I resolved to lose last year... plus the 20 pounds I put on since then.

Mr .T (Justice, Supreme Internet High Council of Intelligence): To contnue to pity fools.

Zonar the Superion (Alien advice columnist): What can one vow to do when one is perfectly superior to begin with? Naught but this: to continue to be as perfect in the coming year as I have been in every one preceding. Plus, more poop jokes.

Gordy Schwartz (head mail room clerk): I resolve to continue to encourage the capnwacky.com readership to only send in maybe 10 postcards a year. Like I don't have enough to do already.

Dolly Saunders (Amalgamated Humor Director of Human Resources): I resolve to stop "accidentally" cancelling the health insurance of certain employees just because they're younger and thinner than I am - unless they're complete tramps.

Bob Crane (Deceased star of Hogan's Heroes & Superdad): My spirit will not rest until those responsible for my death are brought to justice every Wednesday at 9 p.m. on UPN this Spring.

Cap'n Wacky readership: To spread the word to everyone I meet to read and enjoy capnwacky.com. To buy Cap'n Wacky T-shirts, mousepads, mugs, etc. To post on the forum and send in a postcard. To have the Cap'n's baby, should this please him.