March's Disgruntled Employees of the Month: Edgar Gaberdine

GARY NEWBRUNSWICK: Congratulations, Edgar.

Edgar Gaberdine: Thank you, sir.

Edgar Gaberdine

GN: Oh, you don't have to call me sir. Not outside of the bathroom anyway.

EG: Yes, sir.

GN: Now, how long have you been the executive washroom towel boy?

EG: I was hired in 1932 at the age of 10 years.

GN: So, you've sure been with the company for a long time.

EG: Yes, sir. I've spent more time in that bathroom than in any other place on Earth.

GN: Wow. Well, that's something isn't it.

EG: There are 10,348 tiles on the floor.

GN: Oh.

EG: 5,006 are brown. 10,347 are beige. And then of course, there's just the one cream one as I'm sure you've noticed.

GN: No, not really.

EG: No? It's been driving me crazy since 1935 when I first spotted it.

GN: You should've mentioned it.

EG: Oh, I did when Heinrich Flimminhoffer was President and afterward he didn't tip me for six months. He only started again when I saved his life.

GN: You saved Flimminhoffer's life?

EG: Yep, he came in with one of his executives one time and he was getting all into jawin' about business instead of focusing on the business at hand, if you know what I mean. Well, alls of a sudden his monocle pops out and he accidentally inhales it right in. Well, that monocle is still attached to his vest, sos he can't swallow it all the way, but it's jammed in there tight so it ain't comin' back up either.

GN: Ouch.

EG: I know. So he falls to the floor and starts to floppin' around. All this while his old howdoyado is out and floppin' around as well.

GN: Oh dear.

EG: Finally he passes out and I sit down hard on his stomach. Monocle shot out and made a pop like a champagne cork. After that, he was nicer to me, for a couple a weeks, anyway.

GN: Wow, I bet you have a lot of exciting stories like that.

EG: Nope.

GN: No?

EG: Nope, that's the only one.

GN: Oh.

EG: Aside from that, all the stories involve very bad cases of gas. That's about as exciting as it gets.

GN: I see.

EG: Or I could tell you about the one time I just sat there for hours on end and stared at the wall. You know when that was, Gary?

GN: Well, probably -

EG: That's right, every damn day.

GN: Yes.

EG: Oh, and there was one other story.

GN: Yeah?

EG: Yeah, I was never going to tell nobody, but what the hell. I'm getting near retirement anyway. One time...

GN: Yes?

EG: One time I actually used the executive washroom.

GN: What?

EG: One time I had to pee really bad and I actually went right there in the executive washroom urinal instead of walking down the hall, taking the elevator two floors down and using the common bathroom like I'm supposed to.

GN: Wow.

EG: You gonna fire me, now?

GN: When did they tell you you had to do that?

EG: When they first hired me.

GN: Man. Look, I think it's OK if you use the executive washroom now.

EG: It is?

GN: Yeah, I mean. Man.

EG: That's good, because it's been getting harder to make it to my scheduled break time. Hey, Gary. Let me do you a favor too.

GN: Uh.. OK.

EG: Cut back on the bean dip.

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