This month's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Dr. Alphonse Williams

Dr. Williams Amalgamated Humor Archives

GARY NEWBRUNSWICK: Hello, Dr. Williams.

DR. ALPHONSE WILLIAMS: Oh, hello Gary. Let me just get the timer started here.

GN: No, no. Dr. I'm not here for a session. I'm here to interview you.

AW: I see. So you are trying to assert a dominant role in our relationship?

GN: What? No. Remember how I had developed a phobia about conducting the Disgruntled Employee of the Month interviews, feeling they had ruined my life? Then you, as staff therapist, helped me get over those fears?

AW: Yes, yes.

GN: So now I thought to return the favor I'd pick you as this month's Disgruntled Employee of the Month!

AW: Ah. I see. And you think this will help make up for the fact that your mother never loved you.

GN: What?

AW: I wouldn't expect a layman to see the connection.

GN: Dr. Williams, I just felt like you were worthy of the praise.

AW: And also you think you no longer need my services, is that correct? That all the scars of your fractured psyche have been repaired? That the Humpty Dumpty of the mind has been put back together again and so now dear old Dr. Williams can be thrown out like a soiled snot tissue?

GN: Uh... first of all: no. Second, I'm not your only patient here, am I?

AW: Well, no you're not. That's true. Far from it, in fact. Did you know Sam Frawley is addicted to corduroy pants? Marty Lurnlin suffers from a rare condition in which feeling happy makes him depressed. Susan Wallace is only attracted to men after she's been able to make them cry. Gordy Schwartz believes his parents are the Swiss mime troupe Mummenschanz.

GN: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be telling me this.

AW: I'm pretty sure I'm the doctor and you're the crybaby.

GN: Are you, OK, doc? In my sessions you usually seem a little less crazy.

AW: Got you! I know you were worried about starting these interviews again and how crazy some of them turned out, so as your last test in your therapy I thought I'd test you by being crazy during this interview!

GN: Oh wow. You really had me going.

AW: Well, you did fine!

GN: Excellent. Wow, I'm finally all cured!

AW: Aside from the alcoholism!

GN: I think I'll go celebrate.

AW: I bet I can guess how, drunky!