May's Disgruntled Employees of the Month: Aloysius Stebbens, Standards and Practices
Gary Newbrunswick: Congratulations, Aloysius.
Aloysius Stebbens: Thank you, Gerrard.
GN: It's just "Gary." Anyway, you're a pretty new employee here, right?
AS: That is accurate information, yes.
GN: Tell us a little about what you do here.
AS: Well, in light of the government's reactions to recent acts of smut and lewdness on televised broadcast entertainments and radio audio programs, I have been hired to act as Amalgamated Humor Incorporated's official Decency Facilitator.
GN: And what are your duties?
AS: We don't use the word "duties" anymore, Gary. It's a homonym for a childish slang term for feces. We say "responsibilities."
GN: You've got to be kidding me.
AS: Unlikely. My responsibilities include ensuring that all of our products conform to a level of decency and wholesomeness that will be inoffensive to our customers and to the United States Government.
GN: But why? The government hasn't even complained about us. They're just cracking down on TV and radio, we don't even have any television or radio shows right now.
AS: Well, Gary, why wait until they start examining novelty product manufacturers and web-humor site creators? Why not make sure we remove all questionable content before they even look our way?
GN: Well, because it's really stupid-
AS: That was a rhetorical question.
GN: Well, I have a non-rhetorical answer.
AS: We'll need to change the company logo.
GN: What? Why?
AS: Right now, it looks like the company logo reads "AH."
GN: Those are the company initials. A.H.
AS: But "Ah" is also a sound people make in relief, sometimes after flatulence or even after an act of physical intimacy.
GN: What?
AS: Also, it's too gaudy.
GN: It's freaking brown and white letters and a circle.
AS: I'd prefer less contrast and no circle. Circles might remind some people of breasts.
GN: I would never think of these things.
AS: That's why I'm the Decency Facilitator.
GN: So, in other words, in order to be the Decency Facilitator you need to be a big pervert who sees dirty things where no one else does?
AS: Now you're being facetious.
GN: No, I'm not.
AS: Also, we need to stop producing the following potentially offensive items: whoopee cushions, artificial feces, artificial vomit, "fart" spray, Ma Choppers Olde Tyme Penis remover, Puppy Humpsalot, and dribble glasses.
GN: You're going to ruin us.
AS: I'm going to save us, Gary. I'm going to save us all.
GN: Say, Al. Do you have a middle name too?
AS: Yes, it's "Stephen." Why do you inquire?
GN: Oh, I that's something I always like to include in these interviews. Standard question.
ASS: I see. Oh, another item we'll need to stop selling are these "Cap'n Wacky" figurines.
GN: What? That's our company mascot!
ASS: Not anymore he isn't. He's much too phallic.
GN: What?
ASS: Please don't make me explain what that word means. I would hope -
GN: I know what the word means, I just think you're insane.
ASS: Don't say that!
GN: He's no more phallic than any other figurine.
ASS: Well then if we make any others, we'll need to discontinue those as well.
GN: Look, man. I don't know where you came from or who thought it was a good idea to hire you, but you are a complete freak.
ASS: Yeah, that's it. Get tough with me.
GN: What?
ASS: Hey, Gary. Your desk looks like two dogs fornicating.
(door slams)
ORDERLY #1: There he is!
ASS: Oh no!
ORDERLY #2: All right, Aloysius. We found you. Time to go home.
GN: What's going on here?
O#1: This man is a lunatic and convicted sex offender.
GN: Oh my God!
O#2: He didn't ask you to "ride the white whale" did he?
ASS: I was just getting around to it, jerks.
GN: Oh my God!
O#1: All right, Al. Back to the bin with you.
ASS: Go to Hell!
O#2: OK. You'll be coming home in handcuffs then.
(sound of scuffling, metal clanking)
ASS: Yeah, that's it! Daddy likes it rough!
Aloysius Stebbens.
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