June's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Gary Schylling

Gary Newbrunswick: Hello, Gary.

Gary Schylling: Hey, we've got the same name! Gary!

Gary Schylling

GN: Yes. So, I understand that in addition to being a manager in production, you're also in charge of organizing the annual Amalgamated Humor Games this month. Why don't you tell us a bit about them?

GS: Sure, Gary. First though, it's the Amalgamated Humor Olympiadic Games. Very important to get that right- reflects the honor and tradition this competition carries.

GN: When did it start?

GS: 2000. Every year, we try to put together a series of events that tests the mettle and physical skill of the combatants.

GN: What sort of events?

GS: Well, let's see; You know, just your typical company get-together athletic competitions- obstacle course with oversized tires, sack race, tug of war, Grecco-Roman wrestling, pole vault-

GN: Wait, what?

GS: What?

GN: Those last two - you're kidding, right?

GS: Nope. We have the full complement of track and field events. Hal Meeks is even opening up the pool for the swimming competitions.

GN: Well, those all sound like real olympic-

GS: Olympiadic.

GN: -sigh- Olympiadic events. I mean, real atheletes train for those for years- that's all they do. You can't expect a bunch of out of shape office workers to be able to do high jumps or relays or anything like that.

GS: Hey, we're just giving an incentive for the employees of this company to stay in top shape. If they're not ready for that level of committment, if they try to get there via artificial means, we're ready.

GN: What do you mean?

GS: Well, we'll be starting the mandatory testing for performance enhancing substances next week.

GN: What?

GS: We'll be looking for evidence of blood doping, HGH, anabolics, powerade, sugar, that sort of thing.

GN: That's going a bit far, don't you think?

GS: I'd better not catch you hanging around that Marty Lurnlin in accounting. I'm sure he's juicing.

GN: Juicing?

GS: Yesterday, I passed his office, he was screaming, crying carrying on - obvious case of roid rage.

GN: No, actually, his wife just left him. I think he's still a bit emotional about it.

GS: Oh come on, I've been divorced four times and I never carried on like that. Yeah, that guy's on gear big time. We'll test him first. Though, we could keep quiet and put him on Mr. Brockie's tug of war team...

GN: I dont' believe this.

GS: Hey, when the pressure's on like this, people will take shortcuts. Especially when their jobs are on the line.

GN: Jobs?

GS: Yeah, Mr. White thought it would be fun to tie the competition into everyone's yearly performance reviews. He's on one of his manic swings. So, it's manditory- you'd better get training, Gary.

GN: Whatever happened to the good old fashioned company bowling team?

GS: Oh, the committee's looking to add that in 2006.

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