Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

July's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Cody "Buck" Weston

Gary Newbrunswick: Congratulations, Cody.

Cody "Buck" Weston: Thanks, Gary. I shore am honored.

Cody "Buck" Weston

GN: Great. Now tell us, what's your position here at Amalgamated Humor, Inc.?

C"B"W: I'm a cowboy.

GN: Right.

C"B"W: Yep.

GN: But what's your job here at Amalgamated Humor?

C"B"W: Cowboy. I'm the staff cowboy. Wanna hear me holler?

GN: What? No. You know what? I'm not even surprised by this.

C"B"W: No?

GN: No, not anymore. We have a staff cowboy. Of course we have a staff cowboy.

C"B"W: You see, Mr. Brockie, he's the co-president of the company...

GN: I know who he is, believe me -

C"B"W: Well, he caught a cowboy movie marathon on AMC, and...

GN: Right, got it.

C"B"W: ... he decided the company needed a staff cowboy.

GN: Yup. Sounds right.

C"B"W: "Just in case," he said.

GN: Frankly, we probably got off lucky. He might've started making the whole staff wear chaps and ten gallon hats.

C"B"W: Well, he wanted to, but Mr. White - he's the other co-president...

GN: Yes, I know who I work for.

C"B"W: Well, he said I was the comp-ro-mise.

GN: I see. So what are your duties here at the office?

C"B"W: Well, I herd the cattle...

GN: Which we don't have.

C"B"W: And I break wild horses.

GN: Also, none of those.

C"B"W: And I keep an eye out for any outlaw gunslingers.

GN: Who never come.

C"B"W: Oh, and I keep the spirit of the wild west alive and well.

GN: Yeah, that's great.

C"B"W: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-haw! Boy howdy, can I holler or what, Gary?

GN: Please don't do that.

C"B"W: I like you, Gary. You got a wit drier than a robot's tear ducts.

GN: That was odd.

C"B"W: It was a meta-fore.

GN: I know that, it was just a -

C"B"W: You know what I like, Gary?

GN: What's that, Cody?

C"B"W: I like eating me a sausage link without cutting it up. I just spear the damn thing, bring it up to my mouth, and eat it all right off the fork.

GN: Uh... that's great.

C"B"W: That's the cowboy way, Gary.

GN: Right. Anyway, since we have no cattle, wild horses, or gunslingers here in our business office, how do you fill up your time here?

C"B"W: Mostly playing "minesweeper."

GN: Yeah.

C"B"W: Oh, but I did go over the last quarterly earning report and noticed a few redundancies in our spending habits that we could eliminate to lesson our production costs by 8%. I ran it by the boys in accounting and they agree with my figgerin'.

GN: Uh... wow. That's great.

C"B"W: Whoop-dee-DEE! Hey, can I fire my guns up in the air in celebration?

GN: Not in my office, no.

C"B"W: Aw, shucks. Wanna wrassle?

GN: No, Cody. No I don't "wanna wrassle."

C"B"W: All right, then.

(The door bursts open, Brad Gurfman from research and development is standing in the doorframe.)

Brad Gurfman: This tears it, Newbrunswick! The cowboy?

GN: Uh... hello?

BG: I have been with this company for 15 years. I invented the Cap'n Wacky Blood-Tinting Shower Nozzle!

GN: Oh, that was a big seller.

BG: You're damn right it was! And was I ever named employee of the month?

GN: Uh... no?

BG: No! I haven't been. I've put up with seeing you give this to a lot of morons, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let you give it to this idiot cowboy!

C"B"W: Now wait just a gol-durned minute...

BG: Shove it, hayseed. It's Newbrunswick I want.

GN: Look, this isn't really that big a deal.

BG: It is to me! You're finished Newbrunswick. You see this gun? It's the last thing you'll ever -

(BANG! Gurfman falls against the wall and then slumps down to the floor, dead. Weston stands completely still with his gun in the firing position for a moment before bringing it to his lips and blowing the smoke away.)

GN: Oh my God!

C"B"W: He had it coming, Gary. There weren't nothin' else to be done.

GN: Oh my God. Oh my God.

C"B"W: Hush now, Gary. It weren't your fault none, what happened. Some fellas are just ornery like that, down deep. And maybe when the time comes for them to pop it might even look like you give 'em reason, but you didn't. Fellas like that are black inside and someday they're gonna pop all the same, reason or no.

GN: You saved my life.

C"B"W: Jest doin' my job, Gary. Jest a man doin' his job.


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