August 2, 2000
Distribution: Company-wide

Recent budgetary constraints due to Mr. White's sudden interest in collecting the bodily remains of famous side show freaks have put us in the unfortunate position of having to lay-off (oh, let's face it: fire) several company employees.

While we like to pretend that everyone is vitally important to the company's day-to-day functioning, Mr. Brockie, Mr. White, and myself were forced to determine several individuals to get the old pink slip.

However, after deciding on who to get canned, we lost the list of names (or, in several cases, did not know the actual names of the individuals). We are, however, fairly certain that given the descriptions below you will know who you are.

The following individuals may consider their employment at Amalgamated Humor immediately terminated:

1. The Purple Cat Lady. The lady who comes in wearing purple every single damn day of the year and refers to her cats as her "babies" or "my little precious ones."

2. Death Breath. That guy in accounting with the knockout breath. We cannot identify the exact smell - it's not any food, it's more like something rotting and it hits you the second you open the department's door. If he comes in tomorrow, would someone in his area please let him know we're talking about him.

3. The Is Girl. The girl who starts every sentance with "is" for no apparant reason, such as "Is what I'm going to do is..." or "Is what I can help you with is..."

4. Crusher. The guy who broke two of his chairs in as many months just by sitting on them daily. You're gone, tubby.

5. Mr. Kiss-Up. The guy who always acts like he justs loves work so much. You know who you are - whistling in the halls, wearing the company golf shirt every Friday, posting notes on the outside of your cubicle about much you love it here. Everyone's sick of it.

6. The guy who asked Miss Vavoom, the presidents' secretary, on a date.

7. Old Drooler.

8. Smuggler. The guy who smuggles a roll of duct-tape out in his pants every day. Yeah, we're on to you, pal.

9. Forward. That lady who's always trying to save our souls or something by forwarding us allegedly uplifting e-mails. You may go in peace.

10. The entire tech-support department. You're all be replaced by those "Computers for Dummies" books. Good luck, nerds.