February 2006 | Volume 1, Issue 2
There may only be 28 days in February, but remember: We still expect a
full month's worth of work out of our employees! We don't want to be too
strict about this, so we're letting each of you figure out if you prefer
making up those extra hours before work, after business hours, during your
designated lunch periods, or on the weekends (but make sure you check with
your supervisor for approval!) ITEM: Groundhog's Day already occurred on the 2nd of this month! While
Amalgamated Humor doesn't own a groundhog, we do have Groundskeeper Sam
Frawley, who kind of looks like a woodchuck, which we feel is close
enough. When we woke him up after he passed out from huffing paint fumes
in his shed, he DID see his own shadow. Whether this means more winter
weather or not, I don't know, but it will mean six more weeks of Sam's
paranoid screaming about centipedes crawling up his nostrils to steal his
secret thoughts and carry them back to the government. ITEM: With Valentine's Day right around the corner, looks like LOVE is
already in the air around the corporate office! Word got out that Charlie
Murchenson and Della West (both from the collections department) are
romantically involved after they were caught two weeks ago fornicating in
the copy room. Good luck, you two, and good luck finding new jobs.
You're fired and you owe us a new copier. ITEM: Sadly, Charlie and Linda Murchenson (both from the collections
department) announced last week that they'll be getting a divorce after
six years of wedlock. Too bad, guys. We thought you'd beat the odds! ITEM: President's Day is coming this month too! Company Presidents Mr.
Brockie and Mr. White will be expecting presents on the 20th! THIS MONTH'S EMPLOYEE HEATH TIP from Human Resources head Dolly Saunders:
Did you know a good night's sleep is the most important way to get
prepared to be fresh and alert for the work day? That's why I suggest
going to bed an hour after getting home from the office and waking up an
hour before you come in. Some people gripe that they have other things to
do during that time, but are those things really more important than
putting in a good day at work? I DOUBT IT! ITEM: I smell Chicken Pot Pie right now. That's weird. THE PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS: Co-president Mr. White says, "Get back to work!"
