Here at Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun, we are committed to self improvement every day of the year. The turn of the calander, however, provides special incentive to look back at our lives and see what we've done wrong and to look forward to the future to see what we might do better. So just in case when we emerge from our steel-reinforced, concrete shelter miles underneath the Amalgamated Humor Corporate Headquarters, we find that the Earth has not been turned into molten slag or overrun by Robotic conquerers, here are the things we'd change about ourselves in the new year.

Cap'n Wacky (website host, corporate mascot): I resolve to use my now-cemented popularity on the web to start spreading the word about my real passion: collecting and arranging butter dishes!

Gary Newbrunswick (Amalgamated Humor Public Relations): I resolve to convince Cap'n Wacky to take up ping pong and invite strange women to stay at his home so we can score some attention like that wacky Turkish guy.

Brodie H. Brockie (website creator, Amalgamated Humor President, man about town): I plan to retire from show business (at least for a year or two) to concentrate on making sure Celine Dion does not have a baby.

R.J. White (website creator, Amalgamated Humor President, compulsive whistler): To continue my work with victims of the terrible, terrible reign of Kathie Lee Gifford

Agnus Dove (second grader, cutie pie, anarchist): I reslove not to fix it, 'cause, girlfriend, it ain't broke.

Harry Knavel: (host of upcoming movie section, pariah): I resolve... to use my influence to force hollywood to make more movies about... superintelligent trucks!! It'll be swe... et!

Miss Eunice Crabknees (Amalgamated Humor Executive Secretary, hag): If my vision doesn't star coming back in a week or so, I resolve to beg the bosses for a day of sick-leave to have the problem looked into.

Jimmi (host of the Jimmicam): Jimmi didn't answer our e-mail asking him to send in a resolution. Let's assume he plans to lose weight or something.