A NICE RESTAURANT. A COUPLE, NICELY DRESSED, IN THEIR MID-TWENTIES, SITS AT A TABLE, FOOD IN FRONT OF THEM. THEY RAISE THEIR GLASSES TO TOAST

ALAN: Three Years.

KATE: Three years. Happy Anniversary.

THEY CLINK THEIR GLASSES TOGETHER, TAKE A DRINK, THEN LEAN OVER THE TABLE TO KISS

KATE: Mmmm. This looks so good. This whole night has been perfect.

ALAN: I know, I've been waiting for this all week.

SHE BEGINS TO CUT HER FOOD AND EAT. HE PICKS UP HIS KNIFE AND FORK. HE'S ABOUT TO CUT INTO HIS FOOD, WHEN HE STOPS. HE HOLDS UP HIS KNIFE, STUDYING IT

KATE: What?

ALAN: It's this knife. There's something on it.

HE HOLDS IT TOWARD HER

KATE: Eww. Well, get another one.

ALAN: (annoyed) You'd think, this being such a nice place, they'd at least have clean silverware.

KATE: It's no big deal. Just send it back or get another one.

ALAN: (looks around) I don't see our server anywhere.

KATE: Just get someone else. I'm sure they'll help.

ALAN: I know, it's- (waiter walks by) Oh, hey. Hey. Hey. Hello? Hey?

SERVER STOPS JUST PAST THE TABLE. HE VISIBLY SIGHS, AS IF ANNOYED, THEN TURNS AROUND

ALAN: Yes, you. Hi. Over here.

SERVER 1: (barely holding back contempt throughout) Were you, by any chance, talking to me, sir?

ALAN: Um, yeah. I looked for our server and couldn't find her. It's just this knife- it's well,

HOLDS IT UP

SERVER 1: Yes, what about it, sir?

ALAN: It's not clean.

SERVER TAKES THE KNIFE, EXAMINES IT

SERVER 1: I don't see anything.

PUTS THE KNIFE BACK DOWN ON THE TABLE, BEGINS TO WALK AWAY. ALAN PICKS UP THE KNIFE

ALAN: It's right there, about halfway up- that greenish spot. Right there- see? The- (server begins to rub his temples) Is something the matter?

SERVER 1: Did I seat you?

ALAN LOOKS AT KATE IN CONFUSION, THEN AT THE SERVER

ALAN: Excuse me?

SERVER 1: Did I seat you?

ALAN: Listen, all I wanted was a different-

SERVER 1: (interrupting) Did I- sir?

ALAN: No-

SERVER 1: (starts out somewhat calm, gets angrier) No, of course not. I seated those people over there (points) and over there (points) and the seventy-five chamber of commerce assholes in the Velvet Room (gestures toward back) and I was on my way to take a break after doing that for nine and a half hours. So forgive me if your green spot on your steak knife isn't the highest goddamn thing on my priority list right now!

SERVER 1 STALKS OFF TOWARD KITCHEN. ALAN AND KATE SIT THERE FOR A MOMENT, ALAN STILL HOLDING THE KNIFE UP

KATE: Wow. -That- was odd.

ALAN: Can you believe that guy? I should go back there and-

KATE: Listen, don't worry about it- it's just a knife. He had a rough day. Just grab one off of a table-

ALAN: Uh-uh. No way. Now it's the principle of the thing.

KATE: Alan, don't-

ALAN: No way, Kate. I want satisfaction! (Server 2 is going by) Hey! You! Yeah, you! Come here!

SERVER 2: (vague foreign accent) Water? (holds up pitcher)

ALAN: No, look at this. What do you see?

SERVER 2: No water?

ALAN: No! No water! Look at this knife! It's filthy! (server looks confused) Come on! What're you going to do about it?

KATE: Hon?

ALAN: What?

KATE: I don't think he speaks English.

ALAN: What? That's ridiculous, of course he speaks English! I mean- (looks at server, who just stares back blankly) Oh jeez, I'm sorry. (raises voice, gestures) MUCHO, uh, SORRIO! (he nods, the server does too)

SERVER 2: (under his breath, as he walks away) Jerk.

ALAN: (looks up in surprise) Did you hear that?

KATE: What?

ALAN: He called me something. That does it!

ALAN GETS UP

KATE: Alan, honey, please calm down (leans over to other table, grabs knife). Here- just use this one.

ALAN: No. Now it's personal. No one treats me like this- You! (he stops large man walking past table, wearing an apron and tie). I want you to take this knife, take it into the kitchen, clean it and bring it back to me right now.

WILLIAM: What?

ALAN: You heard me.

WILLIAM: Why the hell would I clean your knife?

ALAN: (sarcastic) Well, let's see- because it's your job?

WILLIAM: Oh, I see- I'm black, you're white, so I must be your servant, is that it?

ALAN: (surprised) What? Oh, no- no. It's just that with the apron, I assumed-

WILLIAM: Oh, you assumed. Just because I dress a certain way, and I'm black-

ALAN: No, that's not it all-

WILLIAM: Why don't I do a little dance for you? Here we are on the plantation, sir master sir!

ALAN: (embarrassed, stammering) Listen, I'm sorry. I just have a dirty knife, see-

WILLIAM: You know, I ought to kick your ass, but I'm here with my lady for her anniversary and I respect her too much to do that. You should do the same. (nods to Kate) Miss. (walks away)

ALAN: I just want a knife.

KATE GETS UP, HELPS HIM SIT DOWN

KATE: Alan, why don't you just sit down, use this knife (hands him the clean one) and eat your dinner?

ALAN: Yeah, I guess I got carried away. It's just that I get upset-

KATE: I know, let's try to enjoy the rest of our meal, okay?

SERVER 3 APPROACHES THE TABLE, WALKING STIFFLY

ALAN: Oh, there you are! Finally! Where were you? What kind of restaurant is this, anyway?

SERVER 3 TRIES TO SPEAK AND IS POINTING TOWARD HER BACK

ALAN: What? What is it?

SERVER PITCHES FORWARD ONTO THE TABLE, BLOODY STEAK KNIFE STICKING OUT OF HER BACK

KATE AND ALAN: AHHHH!!

KATE: Oh my god!

ALAN: What the-? (pulls out knife) It's a steak knife!

2 POLICE OFFICERS ENTER

OFFICER 1: Alright, what's going on here- (sees body)

OFFICER 2: What happened here? Did anyone see this?

SERVER 1 AND 2, WILLIAM AND OTHE RESTAURANT PATRONS GATHER AROUND

KATE: She came to the table-

ALAN: The she fell over, and this was in her back.

ALAN HOLDS UP THE BLOODY STEAK KNIFE. EVERYONE GASPS, A FEW PEOPLE SCREAM. THE OFFICERS DRAW THEIR WEAPONS.

OFFICER 2: Alright, buddy, drop the knife!

ALAN: But I-

OFFICER 2: I said drop it now!

ALAN DROPS THE STEAK KNIFE. OFFICER 1 SLAMS ALAN'S HEAD ONTO THE TABLE, PUTS THE CUFFS ON HIM

OFFICER 1: You have the right to remain silent-

ALAN: I didn't do anything!

SERVER 1: It was him, he was looking for her earlier. Had a crazy look in his eyes.

KATE: Oh, Alan!

OFFICER 1: If you give up this right, anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

SERVER 2: He was screaming at me about a knife.

WILLIAM: Yeah? He attacked me with one, almost stabbed me right in the chest.

OFFICERS LIFT ALAN ROUGHLY, LEAD HIM AWAY

OFFICER 1: You have the right to an attorney-

ALAN: (as he's being led away) I just wanted a clean steak knife!!

KATE SITS THERE FOR A SECOND, DAZED, CRYING. THE BODY IS STILL ON THE TABLE. SERVER 1 TURNS TO KATE

SERVER 1: Would madam care for a doggie bag?