By Al Vardo
Political Wordsmith
January 5, 2001

Temporarily ousted Amalgamated Humor Mascot, Cap’n Wacky, was sworn back in at midnight last night in a ceremony presided over by Amalgamated Humor presidents Brodie H. Brockie and R.J. White.

Cap'n Wacky, during one of the 39 rehearsals for the inaugural ceremony Thursday. Eyewitnesses say the venerable old sailor had trouble keeping his balance throughout the ceremonies. Pal Ernest Borgnine looks on.

"I swear to be a figurehead without power, real or implied, and to be an image of good cheer who is easily recognized and creates a strong corporate image in the minds of consumers, so help me God," said Wacky.

Following the short ceremony, the company celebrated with an enormous party, including a performance by a former member of Menudo who was not Ricky Martin. When organizers remembered he hadn't been invited, the company's robot security quickly escorted the singer off the premises.

Cap'n Wacky was seen celebrating amongst the crowd and enjoying many complimentary rums bought for him by well-wishers.

When asked by reporters about his feelings over the whole election controversy, Cap'n Wacky responded, "It really makes you drink."

After saying this, he did not stop and correct himself by saying. "Think. I meant to say think."

Wacky had been gone from Amalgamated Humor and its comedy website, www.capnwacky.com, for two months after it appeared his rival, Cap’n Shifty, had beaten him in an election over who should be mascot.

Votes were initially miscounted in Shifty’s favor, but Wacky was the clear victor after a recount.

"Also, we just checked our by-laws the other day, and we weren’t obligated to hold an election in the first place," explained Brockie. "After Shifty announced his candidacy last January, we just took it for granted he knew what he was talking about. Cap'n Wacky could have just stayed all along. There was absolutely no reason to hold an election."

"Oops," added White.