|
Election Story Archive |
By CHICK RIBBONS
Reporter, Swell Guy
Cap'n Shifty vowed to keep his campaign to be the new host of www.capnwacky.com and mascot of Amalgamated Humor from getting negative toward the incumbent, Cap'n Wacky.
Cap'n Shify promises not to be as negative as his "no-good" competition. |
Shifty promised that even if he were to discover potentially damaging information about his competitor, that he would not exploit it to his advantage.
"For example, if I were to discover somehow that Cap'n Wacky is a drunk or cruel to puppies or swears like the proverbial sailor, I would never mention this publicly. Even if I found out, somehow, that Wacky only had a fourth grade education, I would never bring it up," said Shifty. "As a matter of fact, at least one of those things I just mentioned really is true, but since I don't want to get negative I wonıt tell you which one or ones. Heck it could be all of them, but you won't hear it from me."
Shifty said that he felt the public is sick of the negativity. "Voters have had it with all the mudslinging," said Cap'n Shifty. "They don't want to hear things like Cap'n Wacky has been known to spend weeks at a time in institutions claiming 'exhaustion' while calling the nurses 'mommy'. So I won't mention it."
When asked about his opinion on this matter, Cap'n Wacky vowed to make his campaign as negative as possible.
"As soon as I have any information about Cap'n Shifty that paints him in a bad light, ye can be sure itıll be on every ad we run," said Wacky. "If we donıt find anything, weıll result to name-calling."
"It's too bad Cap'n Wacky doesnıt realize negativity isnıt what the voters want," said Shifty. "But what can you expect from a man so old, senile, and out of touch with the common man?"
"Cap'n Shifty is a fart-head," responded Wacky.