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By Al Vardo
Reporter
April 28, 2000

One of this year's more controversial races was shaken this week by the revelation that one of the candidates had eaten a ham sandwich.

Cap'n Shifty, who announced his website mascot candidacy in January against longtime incumbent Cap'n Wacky, threw everyone for a loop with his choice of lunch Thursday.

According to inside sources, campaign staffers were sending out for lunch, when Shifty was asked what he wanted. After first choosing a tuna salad on wheat, the candidate changed his mind and settled on the ham sandwich.

Ham Sandwich File Photo

"We couldn't believe it," said one Shifty2000 worker, on the condition of anonymity. "I mean, he usually just gets the tuna salad, light on the mayo. Then all of a sudden, BAM! He pulls the ham sandwich out of nowhere. It kind of shook everyone up."

Pundits are trying to piece together this latest salvo in what had been a fairly quiet campaign for the last couple of months.

"I frankly don't know what he's trying to pull," said Emerson College political science professor Emil Hamilton. "Is it a publicity stunt? Is he making some sort of statement? Does he just like ham? It's hard to say what the long-term implications are at this point."

Reaction from the opposing camp was swift. Amalgamated Humor, Inc. VP of Public Relations Gary Newbrunswick held a press conference to condemn Swifty's choice.

"I can assure you of one thing," he said. "When Cap'n Wacky orders a tuna sandwich, he orders a tuna sandwich. If he orders a turkey sandwich, he orders a turkey sandwich. That's the kind of decisiveness people want in a good corporate mascot."

When asked how this incident will affect Cap'n Wacky's campaign strategy, Newbrunswick was adamant.

"Absolutely not, we'll keep things business as usual," the PR VP said. "Things have been running smoothly for us these past two months. We're ahead in the polls by a comfortable margin and the only thing that could possibly ruin that is if some rogue third party candidate came in, stirring things up and dividing the vote. But the chances of that happening are astronomical. Laughable, even. Couldn't happen in a million years. Nope. Pah! It's silly to even consider or plan for. Not gonna happen. No siree. Nope."

Then ominous music could be heard, which was later determined to be sound technicians running tests using the CD of Bernard Hermann's score for "The Day the Earth Stood Still."

Regardless of the repercussions of Shifty's surprising lunch, supporters' faith in the challenger may have been irrepreably damaged. "It makes one think twice," said Anne Helstrom, a self-avowed Cap'n Shifty supporter. "I still agree with his platform, but a ham sandwich? I may have to re-evaluate my entire belief system."