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By AL VARDO
Reporter
October 3, 2000

Voters around the country watched and listened to the first debate of the century between the two candidates for the mascotship of Amalgamated Humor Tuesday.

Incumbent Cap'n Wacky and his challenger, Cap'n Shifty squared off in the spacious Raymond M. LaFontaine Fine Arts Center at Mount Wachusett Community College in Gardner, Massachusetts.

The two sparred over domestic humor policy, comedy benefits for the elderly and where Cap'n Wacky's favorite fishing hole is located.

The debate, the format of which was determined by a game of Battleship, was the public's first chance to see the two venerable sailors meet face to face.

From the start, Shifty attacked Wacky's policies.

"See now, my opponent wants to offer two for one deals to people who buy dribble glasses in bulk, and those people alone," Shifty said. "What about the rest of us? What about those of us who can only afford one dribble glass at a time? Those discounts shouldn't only go to the funniest one percent of our customers."

In response, Cap'n Wacky could only mumble something about his adversary using "fuzzy comedy," a phrase he used 47 more times throughout the ninety-minute debate.

Cap'n Shifty and Cap'n Wacky in some raw footage from Tuesday's debate. What the finished product will look like once ILM is finished with post production

Wacky almost had a bright spot as his opponent faltered in his criticism of Amalgamated Humor's current senior discount plan. After Cap'n Shifty stated that the company's discount rate of five percent was far too low, Wacky leapt in immediately.

"Ha!" the veteran mascot exclaimed. "It's quite clear that my opponent has no grasp of the figures. Our senior discount is nowhere near five percent. It's always been two percent! He has no idea what he's talking about! Ha-ahrrr!"

Following an awkward silence, during which every person in the room stared at him, Cap'n Wacky again mumbled something about "fuzzy comedy" and trailed off.

And so it went, issue after issue, in a debate that will probably be seen as one of the more one-sided in history, more so than even the 1852 presidential debates between Franklin Pierce and Winfield Scott.

Under the harsh television lights, Cap'n Wacky looked more than a little worse for the wear, while Shifty's trademark slicker kept its shiny finish throughout the entire affair.

Cap'n Shifty pretty much became the defacto winner of the debate when Cap'n Wacky proceeded to cover his ears with his hands and do that "La-La-La-La-La" thing for the final fifteen minutes of the evening.

For those of you who missed the debate on cable's "Ha!" channel, special effects powerhouse Industrial Light and Magic will be issuing a special edition of the debate with added effects and bonus scenes in time for the holidays (see illustrations).