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By AL VARDO
Reporter
October 13, 2000

A bombshell was dropped in the hotly contested race for Amalgamated Humor mascot this week, when an unexpected third candidate announced his intention to run for the position.

Kraut King makes his announcement Thursday.

Kraut King, 70, stunned political experts and voters alike at his press conference Thursday afternoon.

"I've been mulling it over for quite some time," said the monarchical head of cabbage. "After consulting with friends, family and close advisors, I figured, 'Hey what have I got to lose?'"

Mr. King then went on to deride the general state of the company and the limited options voters have been given.

"That place is a shambles," he told the assembled journalists and supporters. "This company has been going down in its production of humor for years now, and I think the problem can be traced all of the way to the top- the mascot. There's been a sailor in that slot for years and it's clear that the people need a truly different choice.

"The choice between Cap'n Wacky and Cap'n Shifty isn't a choice. A wooden sailor's a wooden sailor as far as I'm concerned."

According to campaign materials, Kraut King was a mascot for the Libby's Food Company in the late forties, educating consumers about the benefits of sauerkraut and sauerkraut-related products.

After being let go in 1951, King did free lance work for local grocers and cabbage producers around the country, until finally moving to the Orphanage of Cast-off Mascots, a division of the Institute of Official Cheer (http://www.lileks.com/institute/index.html) several years ago.

"I cannot speak for him," said Institute director and confidant James Lileks. "Especially when his eloquent silence speaks so eloquently on those things that, in their own silence, have their own sort of eloquence."

Sources say that such advertising heavy-hitters as Mr. Clean, Twinkie the Kid and even the reclusive Quisp are close to announcing their endorsement of King.

The news seems to have left the Wacky camp rather shaken. Amalgamated Humor VP of Public Relations and campaign manager Gary Newbrunswick ordered an immediate halt to all press communications and called an emergency meeting of all top level staff.

Cap'n Shifty seems to be taking a more laid back approach to this week's surprise announcement.

"I'm sure the American people will vote with their minds and hearts," read a Shifty campaign press release. "The natural choice for mascot of a slightly nautical-themed humor web site is a sailor, not some vegetable man. The question is which sailor."

Going into the home stretch, will this third entry into the race have a drastic affect on the voters' decisions?

"I don't know now," said Jo Ann Castle, a waitress who watched the press conference in her oh-so-American diner in which we reporters simply love to interview the "real" people. "I always thought that Shifty guy was the smarter of the two, with that raincoat and all, but I like sauerkraut."

With the election only weeks away, the question is- How many others like the tangy taste of sauerkraut, as well?