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Shifty wins!
Election actually has definitive result

By Chick Ribbons
Reporter
November 10, 2000

The polls closed Tuesday at midnight, and volunteers took several days to add up all the votes in the heated Amalgamated Humor mascot/www.capnwacky.com host position. Finally, a clear winner has emerged.

The mascot-elect, Cap'n Shifty, at his victory party.

That winner is challanger Cap'n Shifty who squeezed out a victory against incumbent Cap'n Wacky and third party weirdo Kraut King.

The final number of votes were: Cap'n Shifty - 22 million votes, Cap'n Wacky - 18 million votes, and Kraut King - 14 million votes (all votes multiplied by 1 million to make them sound more impressive).

"Lovers of quality humor have spoken," said Cap'n Shifty to adoring crowds. "People might be unsure who they want leading the country, but they clearly know what they want out of a website mascot. Thank God we have our priorities straight."

Cap'n Wacky is said to have called Shifty at approximately 3 a.m. last night. Initially it was believed he was calling to concede defeat, but apparantly he was trying to order booze and got the wrong number. While Cap'n Wacky himself has made no official statement, Amalgamated Humor spokesperson (and former Cap'n Wacky campaign manager) Gary Newbrunswick greeted the press early this morning.

"Well, obviously we're thrilled with the enthusiastic response of the voters," said Newbrunswick. "We all look forward to working closely with the new mascot and hear about the many exciting changes he has in mind. I'm sure Cap'n Shifty knows the great deal of respect the company, and me, myself, personally, Gary Newbrunswick, have always had for him. He's great."

Kraut King too, was initially upbeat about the results. "Well, I did better than I thought I might," said Kraut. "For a late entry and a giant head of cabbage, I didn't do too bad. Besides, my real goal was to get at least 5% of the vote so in the future I could get Amalgamated Humor matching funds, and I accomplished that."

At this point, it was pointed out that there is no such requirement for the company to provide matching funds, if, indeed, there was ever even another election. The Kraut King reacted to this news with hysterical sobbing. "Why won't someone love me?" he pleaded repeatedly while being dragged back to the Orphanage of Cast-Off Mascots (http://www.lileks.com/institute/orphanage/index.html).

Cap'n Wacky will remain Amalgamated Humor mascot and host of www.capnwacky.com for one more week. Cap'n Shifty takes office, and makes whatever changes he has in mind to the site, on November 17.