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Shifty wins! Election actually has definitive result
By Chick Ribbons
The polls closed Tuesday at midnight, and volunteers took several days to
add up all the votes in the heated Amalgamated Humor
mascot/www.capnwacky.com host position. Finally, a clear winner has
emerged.
That winner is challanger Cap'n Shifty who squeezed out a victory against
incumbent Cap'n Wacky and third party weirdo Kraut King.
The final number of votes were: Cap'n Shifty - 22 million votes, Cap'n
Wacky - 18 million votes, and Kraut King - 14 million votes (all votes
multiplied by 1 million to make them sound more impressive).
"Lovers of quality humor have spoken," said Cap'n Shifty to adoring crowds.
"People might be unsure who they want leading the country, but they clearly
know what they want out of a website mascot. Thank God we have our
priorities straight."
Cap'n Wacky is said to have called Shifty at approximately 3 a.m. last
night. Initially it was believed he was calling to concede defeat, but
apparantly he was trying to order booze and got the wrong number.
While Cap'n Wacky himself has made no official statement, Amalgamated Humor
spokesperson (and former Cap'n Wacky campaign manager) Gary Newbrunswick
greeted the press early this morning.
"Well, obviously we're thrilled with the enthusiastic response of the
voters," said Newbrunswick. "We all look forward to working closely with
the new mascot and hear about the many exciting changes he has in mind. I'm
sure Cap'n Shifty knows the great deal of respect the company, and me,
myself, personally, Gary Newbrunswick, have always had for him. He's
great."
Kraut King too, was initially upbeat about the results.
"Well, I did better than I thought I might," said Kraut. "For a late entry
and a giant head of cabbage, I didn't do too bad. Besides, my real goal was
to get at least 5% of the vote so in the future I could get Amalgamated
Humor matching funds, and I accomplished that."
At this point, it was pointed out that there is no such requirement for the
company to provide matching funds, if, indeed, there was ever even another
election. The Kraut King reacted to this news with hysterical sobbing.
"Why won't someone love me?" he pleaded repeatedly while being dragged back
to the Orphanage of Cast-Off Mascots
(http://www.lileks.com/institute/orphanage/index.html).
Cap'n Wacky will remain Amalgamated Humor mascot and host of
www.capnwacky.com for one more week. Cap'n Shifty takes office, and makes
whatever changes he has in mind to the site, on November 17.
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