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By Chick Ribbons
Reporter
December 15, 2000

The Cap'n makes the announcement, surrounded by his legal team.

Just a day after Americans breathed a collective sigh of relief that the presidential election was finally over, the even more high-profile Amalgamated Humor mascot election was suddenly heated up again.

Cap'n Wacky, the ousted mascot and former host of www.capnwacky.com, lost the election held in the first week of November. Now, over a month later, he is demanding that the votes be recounted.

"I probably should have called for a recount sooner," admitted Wacky. "But I've been busy - the first few weeks were spent fighting a flu that was not a hangover, and then I spent time setting up my new site, www.geocities.com/capnwacky761. It was after starting that new site that the overwhelming response from readers prompted me to try to regain my old position."

When pushed for specifics, Wacky releaved that the number of people asking himto come back had, in fact, been three.

"But they really meant it," added Wacky.

Cap'n Shifty, the challanger who took the mascotship from Wacky, reacted swiftly.

"I can't believe he's doing this now," Shifty said. "If he were trying to parody the presidential election shouldn't he have brought this up weeks ago? That's the kind of sloppy work that brought me the victory in the first place."

Shifty has already taken over the role of website mascot. He has dropped most of the features that were on the site when Wacky was host, replacing them with a profile of himself, comics, and an advice column hosted by an alien named Zonar the Superion.

"Zonar is bored by the whole matter," the Superion said when asked for his opinion. "Who cares who hosts the site so long as we give people what they want: Zonar, Zonar, Zonar!"

Zonar then continued to repeat his name until the gathered reporters attempted to sneak away.

"No one brushes off Zonar!" he shouted, bending the top of his head toward the journalists. "Feel my mental rays!"

No one felt anything.

"You'll feel it tomorrow," said Zonar.

The decision whether or not to recount the votes will be made next week by the Supreme Internet High Council of Intelligence.