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Election Story Archive |
By Chick Ribbons
Supreme Reporter
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Justice Mr. T -
Former A-Team star and landscaping enthusiast Mr. T won his position by throwing anyone who opposed him helluva far. He rules with both strength (his mighty muscles) and compassion (often announcing individuals towards whom he feels pity). |
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Justice Bill Gates -
Gates is the richest man in the world and owner of one of its most influential companies. All of that, though, still doesn't make him Batman. |
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Justice Pets.com Sock Puppet -
This Justice was the mascot of the website pets.com until it recently went out of business. Puppet was once one of the most recognized of web celebrities, appearing on television commercials and seen at elite social gatherings in the company of Gwyneth Paltrow, Lara Flynn Boyle, and/or Halle Berry. Now, he is occasionally spotted passed out in back alleys with Courtney Love. |
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Justice Jeeves -
When asked to tell us a bit about himself for this piece, the personification of askjeeves.com responded: "I have found answers to the following questions: "Where can I find resources from Britannica.com on tell? "Would you like to post your question to Answer Point, the Ask Jeeves community site, where other Ask Jeeves users can provide you with valuable answers? "Get your answer from an Expert at EXP.com "People with similar questions have found these sites relevant:" Jeeves then listed several sites that had nothing to do with the damn question. |
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Justice Kraut King -
Kraut King is an enormous sentient head of cabbage. Once a jovial promoter of sauerkraut, later a candidate for mascotship of www.capnwacky.com, now a resident of the Orphanage of Cast-off Mascots. Though not terribly knowledgeable about the web, King was brought in because these Internet groups always like to have some "old economy" guy they can drag out to soothe the investors' nerves. |
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Justice Hairy Knavel -
The webmaster of It Ain't Cool in the Basement News, a website devoted to ruining movies by finding out every single piece of information about them months before they come out. The site was scrapped from capnwacky.com after Cap'n Shifty took over mascotship. Knavel claims to be suited to this position because he has watched movies with courtroom scenes like "A Few Good Men," "Inherit the Wind," and "Planet of the Apes" at least 50 times each. |
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Justice Cindy Margolis -
Pretty, ain't she? |