Name: Kraut King

Current status: Former Libby's Sauerkraut shill and current resident of the Orphanage of Cast of Mascots. Also, alleges himself to be "King of Kraut", though this claim may be puffery.

Campaign theme song: "Vegetable Friend" by Robyn Hitchcock

Kraut King

Endorsed by: America's "favorite" Polka Band, The SauerKrauats; Colonel Cole Slaw; and Kim Chee Boy.

Endorses:I'll give you three guesses, and if neither of the first two is "sauerkraut," you'll need all three.

Position on internet spam: "I enjoy Spam. It is a meat that comes in a can. I have not yet tried the Internet kind, but I'm sure it's just as tasty as the original."

Position on Napster controversy: "I think this situation could be easily settled out of court if only the two parties could sit down together and work things out in a civil manner. Perhaps they should meet over dinner. Perhaps one of the items served at such a dinner might be tasty sauerkraut. Certainly if it was, both parties would have to agree that there are few foods that feel as good inside you as sauerkraut. Once they agreed on that, the rest would just flow from there. Oh, soothing sauerkraut, is there nothing you can't do?"

Position on internet spam: "Sure, getting lots of Spam can be disheartening, but not nearly as disheartening as being let go by a company after you've put your heart and soul into plugging their product. Just imagine: You smile and you wave and you wear a funny crown and tell everyone you know about the joys of sauerkraut and the next thing you know you're just tossed aside and ignored like a $10 hooker. Now that's disheartening, but not so much that you stop loving sauerkraut and wouldn't come back in a second. Not that you wouldn't do anything you could, even unwanted as you are, to share you knowledge of the bliss that kraut can bring. Oh, sweet sauerkraut! Oh, miracle salve! Tell me what to do and I shall! I am but your puppet! Put your hand inside me and make your words come from my mouth!"

Favorite Survivor: "The one who loved Sauerkraut" (When it was pointed out to him that none of the contestants mentioned a love of sauerkraut, Kraut King mumbled "Whatever. I haven't watched much TV since they cancelled 'My Sister Sam.'")

On his opponents: "I think you just have to look at the ranks we've attained to see the kind of leadership we have. My opponents are both Cap'ns, while I am a king - the King of Kraut!"