Name: Cap'n Shifty

Current status: former host of Cap'n Shifty's Boatload of Spite, challenger for mascot of Amalgamated Humor/host of www.capnwacky.com

Campaign theme song: "Change Would Do You Good" by Sheryl Crow

Cap'n Shifty

Endorsed by: Jeeves, Hairy Knavel, The United Association of American Yellow Slickers Manufacturers United, the Morton Salt Girl, Jimmy Smits

Endorses: Uncle Orin's Corncob Pipes - only the finest gourmet corncobs go into Uncle Orin's

Position on internet spam: "Spam is the cholesterol that's clogging the arteries of the internet. As host of www.capnwacky.com, I will use all the power that position grants me to fight this curse on us all. Our mailboxes, and our lives, can be ours again."

Position on Napster controversy: "Let me put this as clearly as I may: I feel very strongly about this issue. We need to make sure that the right side prevails. The Internet is still in its infancy, it is, and if things turned out the wrong way here, it could be very unfortunate in the long term. I think that's pretty clear."

Position currently: standing, weight slightly more on left leg

Favorite Survivor: Richard - "We're a lot alike, him an' I; I see what I want and I plan to get it. The only differences between us are that I'm not fat, a nudist, gay, or a corporate trainer. We're both good fisherman too."

On his opponent: "We stand at the dawn of a new millennium. The Boatload of Fun needs a new host. Amalgamated Humor, Inc. needs a new mascot. Not an old sea captain wearing a threadworn blue coat, but rather an old sea captain wearing a shiny, shiny yellow coat. The people of the internet need to send a message that they want a brighter future. A shiny, shiny yellow one. Plus, he's a bit of a drunkard."