Making it on the Outside.

At long last, Martha Stewart is being released from prison today. What are the Queen of Good Taste's plans now that she's a free woman again?

UPCOMING PRODUCTS:

  • Conjugal Visit Bedding Collection.
  • Green-Glaze and Chrome Death-Row Harmonica
  • Cake Tin/File Combo
  • Iron-Bar Curtains
  • Soft Pastel Tradeable Cigarettes

    POTENTIAL NEW TV SHOWS:

  • Martha Stewart's Carving With Soap
  • Martha Stewart's Crafting with License Plates
  • Martha Stewart's Design for Shiving
  • Martha Stewart's Recidivism

    PERSONAL PLANS:

  • Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.
  • Practice getting thousand-yard stare down to a more manageable two hundred and fifty yards.
  • Finally feed cats.
  • Watch ‘Oz’ with friends, tell them the real thing is much, much worse.
  • Before anything else: Hire new brokerage firm.
  • Look up Big Lucy's ma; Tell her everything's fine.
  • Try to get private investigator license reinstated.
  • Before anything else: Hire new brokerage firm.
  • Now that she's out, no longer has to hide tunnel dirt in pants.
  • See if Joe's Garage will take a chance and hire a down-on-her-luck ex-con.
  • Hand-craft earmuffs for house guests so they won't be bothered by her attacks of night terrors.
  • Fashion an ankle monitor cozy.
  • Bake baking bowls into cakes to smuggle to friends still in prison.
  • Be much subtler about future insider-trading.
  • Revenge.

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