Where is Cathy Bainbridge? Cathy can you come stand up for a second? Cathy Bainbridge has been a guiding light for all of us since day one. When I first conceived of this production, I thought I'd really have to do some convincing to get anyone to go with it, but the moment I mentioned it to Cathy she was in. Her enthusiasm, really, has been infectious to everyone involved and -

What? Pardon? Um... our stage manager, Jeff Henderson, everyone. How about a round of applause for Jeff here? Jeff has, and I'll keep this quick because I know you are all excited for some real entertainment, but Jeff's organizational skills and dedication in the face of what has been, frankly, a fairly difficult and often dangerous rehearsal period, have been and invaluable. Really. How is your head by the way, Jeff? It looks like the swelling has mostly gone down. Great. What did you - ? What? Cassie who?

OH! CASSIE Bainbridge. Oh man. I'm sorry, yes. That's Cassie Bainbridge. What did I say? Cathy? I'm so sorry, Cathy. This has been a hell of a day, really. I don't know where my head is. I won't get into it much because I know you're all raring for show time...

If I could just vent for a minute, though. Stage crews. Jesus! I mean, god bless the ones who show up and do their job and help us out because it's a thankless position and I know we're not paying anyone but... if you say you're going to pull curtains and change scenery during performances, DO it. That's all I'm saying. I've got enough to do on the day of a goddamn performance without calling everyone I know and begging for some extra help at the last minute. Did you not KNOW your work schedule at the garage ahead of time or can you just not read it, you illiterate halfwit?

OH! And I don't want to forget Sandy Mason! Our invaluable rehearsal pianist and music director. In fact... I have a card for Sandy that I was going to give her later but I'd love for her to come right up here and get it now! Why not? Come on up here, Sandy! Well, OK. Well, I know you can't come right up out of the pit, but... well go out into the hall and come up the stairs! Huh? Oh, they'll wait. They don't mind. OK!

So while we wait for Sandy to come around let me also thank uh... Jeff Kowalski for making the programs. Don't they look great? Incidentally, all of the people I'm thanking right now are also listed in the programs so you can read them there too. And if I forget anyone, they're sure to be listed in the program anyway. I really love the way he photoshopped that picture of me into a silhouette on the front cover, by the way. And yes, that is me! A couple of people asked, so I thought you might all want to know. He probably should've listed my name in there as the cover model. Ha ha. Really, though - next time.

OH, and here's Sandy! Let's have a round of applause for Sandy, folks! Yes! Here is your card! I also have a very lovely, thoughtful gift coming for you in the mail, but unfortunately those bastards I ordered it from didn't ship it when they said they would. I could KILL them! Anyway, open the card and read it? Oh, come on. Come on back here!

OK, well I guess Sandy is a little shy. How about we get the show started now, huh? Yeah! OK! Oh... well, OK we have to wait now for Sandy to get back down into the orchestra pit. Uh... who else can I...? Oh, our cast! Man, talk about a dedicated group of individuals (well the ones who didn't quit before, anyway). The ones who actually bothered to do what they set out to do in the first place and didn't screw us by quitting with only two weeks left before the performance, Judases. I could kill those selfish jackasses.

OK, I see Sandy back down there in the pit now with the group of musicians she assembled, most of whom bothered to actually rehearse ahead of time. Thanks to them, and I apologize in advance for the second violin. But now, without any further ado, because I know you're here to be entertained, our first act - Mrs. Elkin's four-year old Sunday School class with their rendition of "Jesus Loves the Little Children." Enjoy and God bless!