By BRODIE H. BROCKIE

New to the world of Harry Potter and his Satan-worshiping friends? You may find yourself intimidated by all the new words you'll encounter while entering the magical world of author J. K. Rowling. But fear not, this handy lexicon of terms used in the Potter books and movies is here to assist you.

Acid Pops - suckers dipped in a "magical" substance that lets you see colorful visions and have conversations with inanimate objects.

Alohomora - A phrase used to greet Mora, a visiting wizard from Hawaii.

Animagi - A popular Wizard Christmas play (essentially "The Gift of the Magi" performed by kittens).

Azkaban - A caban in Arizona.

Blast-Ended Skrewts - Eupahmism for violent flatulation brought on by eating too many Every Flavor Beans.

Boggart - A wizard who refuses to share his magical smoking powder.

Bowtruckles - Slang for a rash-causing veneral disease caught from a centaur. EXAMPLE: "Firenze sure gave her a bad case of the Bowtruckles."

Chamber of Secrets - A term describing a young homosexual wizard who is pretending to be straight. Example: "Everyone knows he's gay, but he thinks he's still in the Chamber of Secrets."

Dark Mark - Mark Harmon's magical evil twin.

Dementor - Popular Satanic Metal Band.

Dervish and Banges - Violently drunk and stumbling into things. Example: "Since his cripplingly depression returned, Hagrid has been drinking so much he's got the dervish and banges."

Disillusionment Charm - a charm that, when worn, makes the wearer sharply lower their expectations.

Fizzing Whizbees - magical urinary infection.

Flobberworm - Slang term for uncircumsized wizard.

Floo powder - cocaine.

Golden Snitch - A derogatory term for a sycophantic teacher's pet with a tendency to tattle on other students.

Hogsmeade - Carbonated pigs blood beverage popular among the kids.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Honeydukes

Horcrux - Invisible crutches used by battered magical prostitutes.

Hufflepuff House - A marijuana bar popular with Harry and his friends.

Keeper - See "Boggart"

Knockturn Alley - Really, do you need me to spell it out for you?

Levicorpus - A zombie in blue jeans.

Liberacorpus - A zombie who votes for the Labour Party.

Mandrake - A very butch witch.

Mudblood - a wizard heroin addict.

Parselmouth - A cruel nickname given to an older female student after nasty rumors got around about what she was doing with Professor Snape in the supply closet during detention.

Quaffle - a quayle meat waffle.

Quidditch - An rash you get from hiring a certain businesswoman in Knockturn Alley who only charges a quid.

Squib - Enchanted Acne that bursts into vibrant colors when popped.

Transfiguration - Sex change spell.

Unicorn - Seriously, you don't even know what a UNICORN is? You're one of those people who never read a fantasy book in their life, but had to pick up Harry Potter just because it's the popular thing now, aren't you. You make me sick.

Whomping Willow - A dominatrix who works in Knockturn Alley.