TEAM USA BANJO

From the desk of Police Officer Samson O'Mally:

Was approached in the station this morning by a one Theodore "Ted" Miller, age 17, claiming to have inside knowledge about a robbery in progress. Miller identified himself as a member of a local youth organization called "Team USA Banjo" and alleged that the musical combo was, in fact, a front for a gang of robbers, currently engaged in their first criminal act at the Cobolt Bank and Trust on Third Street.

Officer Tambor and I, accompanied by Miller, immediately traveled to the establishment in question. In the lobby, there were four youths and an adult woman playing music on their banjos. We only heard them play for a few moments, but I'm compelled to note here that it was the most joyful music - no, the most joyful of any sound I have heard in my life, including that of my own baby daughter's laughter. I was immediately inclined to trust these children and dismiss Miller's story as a hoax. However, one of the youths spotted us with Miller and grew very alarmed.

The youth, identified by Miller as a one Vernon "Fern" Wermwood, stopped playing his instrument and screamed "It's the coppers! Teddy ratted us out!" The other musicians ceased playing as well and, all but one, started to run into the back of the bank, toward the vaults. The adult woman grabbed the hesitant member by his shirt collar and dragged him along as well.

When the group left our sight, we heard Wermwood continue to repeat the above phrases. There was a flurry of frantic yelling that we could not identify, then a gruff voice yelling "no, no! Not yet, Raymond!" Followed by an enormous explosion from the rear of the building.

Miller identified the bodies of the following: Wermwood, Arthur "Archibald" Cline, Casey "Butch" Anderson, Marcus Anderson, Raymond Simmons, Toby Masters, and Consuela "Ma Banjo" Vincenzio.

Still alive, and apparently completely sheltered by the blast by the girth of Vincenzio who had been dragging him along was Percival "Pee Wee" Werthers, who kept staring at us blankly and asking "what's going on? What happened?" He is currently in police custody.

Miller stated there was another member of the gang, Vincenzio's young daughter, Sally Vincenzio. It is presumed her body was incinerated in the blast.

$50,000 was missing from the bank vaults. The money is also presumed to have been incinerated in the blast.