Everything you do, every day of your life is a competition with those around you. Don't be a loser. Follow our advice to have the best costume around.

1. Don't try to make your own costume. There are professionals who do this for a living. You will never be as skilled or as creative as these people, so please do not even try. You may gain fleeting satisfaction from creative expression and personal accomplishment while making your own costume, but such feelings will vanish when you see the beautiful, store-bought costumes of your peers and you are made the object of scorn and/or ridicule.

2. Don't just dress up in a costume you like or as a character you enjoy. Your costume is for OTHER people to look at, so just dress as whatever character from popular culture is the hot trend at the time.

3. What character is always a sure-fire winner? Why, Cap'n Wacky, of course. Sure, the official Amalgamated Humor costumes (at right) may be a little more expensive, but they "guarantee" your popularity. Don't risk being a social pariah and ending up bitter and alone! Disguise your own bland features beneath the weathered face of the beloved Cap'n!

4. If you are prone to forgetfulness, buy a costume with the name and picture of whoever you are dressed as on its vinyl stomach. That way, you can always look down and know who you are (yes, there is a version of the Cap'n Wacky costume like this).

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