Dear Modster Monster,
I will have you know, my FIEND, that I have been enterTOMBing, telEVILision
viewers in our station's broadcast range for the last 30 years. My movies
and my horror hostlery are not boring nor sleep-inducing, but instead a
treasured part of our viewers' habits. Let's see if you're still on the
SCARE in 30 years or back flipping burgers like you belong. Leave the
horror hosting to the GROAN ups!
What's more, the "Drunkula" name is a particularly cheap shot, considering I
have been sober for the past three years and have not appeared inebriated
while on the air in the last five.
I will have you know, my FIEND, that I have been enterTOMBing, telEVILision viewers in our station's broadcast range for the last 30 years. My movies and my horror hostlery are not boring nor sleep-inducing, but instead a treasured part of our viewers' habits. Let's see if you're still on the SCARE in 30 years or back flipping burgers like you belong. Leave the horror hosting to the GROAN ups!
What's more, the "Drunkula" name is a particularly cheap shot, considering I have been sober for the past three years and have not appeared inebriated while on the air in the last five.
Dear Count Drunkula,
And, I dig that it's been five years since you were last drunk on the air, but it was such a spectacular blowout that it's still fresh in everyone's memory, man. It's not everyday you see an old guy in a cape loudly slurring out that he really is a vampire and that he can prove it by turning into a bat, at which point he strips naked and runs around the studio flapping his arms with his eyes shut. That was real gone, man.
where it's at,
PS: The only thing older than you are your awful puns. Give it a rest!
DREAR Modster Monster,
Secondly, today's sorry EXECUTEses for horror movies cannot hold a candelabra to the cell(YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL)uloid masterpieces of yesteryear! Your selections of movies like Bloodbath A-Go-Go, Sleeping Bag, Blood Sack, and Fork In the Eye are far inferior to the classics we can afford like Frankenstein's Second Cousin, The Mummy Rests, and Phantom of the Bingo Hall. Quickly cut shots of bloody dismemberment, disembowelment, and forks jabbed in people's eyes lack the pure artistry of terror that is a lingering shot of a dusty mummy frighteningly sleeping completely still in his tomb. You should really still quit while you are... A HEAD!
Also, if you PERFORATE (instead of perform, I'm not sure that one was clear) one more skit about me accidentally throwing up on children during a grocery store ribbon cutting, you will be hearing from my attorney... OF DOOM!
PS: Instead of saying "give it a rest" you should have said "give it a rest... IN PEACE!"
Dear Count Drunkula,
My movies provide the fright that's right to shake you all night! Awoooo! The greater metropolitan area has a tuned in to the voice of a new generation, pops! You are as out as a jack-o-lantern that hasn't even been cut yet, man.
Attn: Jeffery Wilson, Channel 47
The enclosed letter was bequeathed to you from the estate of Reginald Paulson with instructions that it be delivered to you on this night (Halloween), unopened. Mr. Paulson was found dead in his bedchamber two nights ago, the cause of his death has not yet been discovered.
Dear Modster Monster,
If you are reading this, I am already dead. I'm not sure it's going to happen this year, but if it does I do think I should fully prepare things so you'll know the truth.
The truth is, I do not hate you. The truth is, I actually found your "Count Drunkula" sketches somewhat amusing. After all, I've been confident that my drinking has been under control for some time now, and I've made piece with myself over that.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here is the point: It all started with the first local horror host, Dr. Ghoulash, back in the late 50s on channel 63. I'm told he was an ornery, mean-spirited primma donna who was very cruel to his staff. One day, they were shooting some intros while a horrible thunderstorm raged outside. The station's weatherman warned potential tornados, but Dr. Ghoulash wouldn't let his staff close up and take cover in the basement. Sure enough, a tornado arrived that tore the roof off the station. Debris and equipment was tossed around the station and lightening burst through the gaping hole that was once the roof. Every single member of the crew died that day. Only Dr. Ghoulash himself survived.
The lighting director was the last to die. As he took his final gasps of life, he spent them placing a curse on Dr. Ghoulash, and on all the horror hosts who would follow him in the tri-county area.
My predecessor warned me. The Ghastly Gent of Channel 17 was a master of the macabre onscreen and a fine, generous man off. He told me how the curse had destroyed his life and everyone he cared about during his reign as the local TV horror host and that it would do the same to me. I was young and brash and foolish then, like you, and I wouldn't hear it. Oh God, how many nights have I wished I could go back and take his advice!
He died after my first year on the air. Since then, I have lost my beloved dog Sagebrush, 27 relatives of various connections, all of my closest friends, my hair, my teeth, my home, all in strange and eerie circumstances that would take too long to detail here.
I hadn't listened to The Ghastly Gent, since I believed then he was trying to scare me off because I was competition. I knew you would not listen to me for the same reasons. So, instead, I tried to get you to quit using intimidation, condescension, and threats. I see now that those methods have failed as well.
If you are reading this, I am dead and the curse is now yours, my young friend. I am sorry I couldn't help you. I know you're not big on carrying on traditions of our field, but this is one you're going to have to carry on whether you like it or not.