Amalgamated Humor's own Elf Employee, Jingles The Elf (once featured as our Disgruntled Employee of the Month), asked us if he could have any additional duties this year besides either being in the Christmas display or being locked in storage so we decided to let him answer some of your questions about his favorite subject - Christmas Carols. So here now are...
Dear Jingles,
I've heard a line from "Winter Wonderland" sometimes sung as "In the meadow
we can build a snowman, and pretend that he's a Santa Clown." Are these
people just mixing up the lyrics or is there really such a thing as a Santa
Clown?
-Curious in Connecticut
Dear Curious,
There IS such thing as a Santa Clown. Or was, anyway. In the 1950s, a group
of scientists were studying the phenomenon of children loving Santa Claus,
but suddenly crying in terror when they actually met him. In their studies,
they noticed the same thing happened with clowns. Theories get tossed
around, the bar gets raised, a little genetic cross-breeding experimentation
and BANG: They've created a monster, the Santa Clown. It destroyed an
entire small town in Omaha before they sent in the air force to bomb it.
Scientists in the 50s were pretty whack. Will man never learn the price of
hubris, Curious? Will man never learn?
candy hearts,
Jingles the Elf
Dear Jingles,
In, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, the Whos sing:
"Welcome, Welcome,
Does this mean the Grinch could've successfully stopped Christmas if he had
cut all of the Who's hands?
sincerely,
Dear Bart,
I'm going to make a recommendation about what you might want to ask Santa to
bring you this year: stronger medication.
unnerved,
Fah who rah-moose!
Welcome, Welcome,
Dah who dah-moose!
Christmas day is in our grasp,
So long as we have hands to clasp."
Bartholomew Cubbins
Jingles the Elf
Dear Jingles,
I've always been perplexed by the line in "The Most Wonderful Time of the
Year" that says "There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago."
Uh... what? Who's telling scary ghost stories at Christmas?
confused,
Dear Timothy,
I'll admit, I'm not exactly sure what that line refers to either. It could
mean "A Christmas Carol," though "scary ghost story" doesn't exactly fully
describer it. Maybe they mean those dark rumors of Santa Clown's Ghost that
sometimes feasts on the souls of the unwary on Christmas eve. Really,
though, I think we can all agree that the real time for "scary ghost
stories" has got to be Easter, when the ghost of Jesus rises from the tomb
and goes "woooOOOOooOOoOOOOOoo, I have hiiiiiiidden your eeeeeeegs" or
something. Look, I'm a Christmas expert, so I'm not totally clear on the
Easter thing.
Timothy Nobert
Dear Jingles,
In the song "We Wish You A Merry Christmas," the carolers demand, in one
verse, to be served some "figgy pudding." They even say that they won't go
until they get some. In case I ever find a group of carolers on my lawn who
really won't go until they get some, I need to know what figgy pudding
is!
- Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried,
Figgy pudding is really great stuff! It's dried figs mixed with lemon,
brown sugar, and suet! In pudding form! Mmm, mmm! Figgy pudding. Figgy
pudding is a traditional holiday dessert that I've noticed isn't served much
anymore outside of the North Pole. Man, I kind of miss it!
I have managed to track down some figgy pudding once or twice since Santa
sold me to Amalgamated Humor, and it's been OK, but it's nothing compared to
the figgy pudding that Mrs. Claus used to make up at the North Pole. Sweet
Jesus, it was like mainlining Christmas spirit! I'm getting a little
fidgety just thinking about it. Man, I want some now! I need it. God, I'd
murder a hobo with a claw hammer right now if it would get me some figgy
pudding! Here come the shakes!
OK, I need a minute here...
jonesing,
Jingles the Elf
Dear Jingles,
In "Happy Christmas" John Lennon sang, "War is over, if you want it." How
did that work out?
- Wondering in Winter
Dear Wondering,
Apparently, you didn't want it.
obviously,
Jingles the Elf