HOW TO GIVE AN AWESOME JOB INTERVIEW By BRODIE H. BROCKIE DRESS FOR SUCCESS Even in this age of casual business dress, it's still a good idea to spiffy up a little for a job interview. Therefore, logically, the MORE you dress up, the better your chances are for getting the job. Men, why just throw on a suit and a tie when you can go all the way to tuxedoville? Ladies, dig out your old prom or wedding dress to really impress. Recent graduates are encouraged to show up wearing their graduation robe and mortarboard. Looking to take it all the way? For your next job interview, why not show up wearing a Indonesian ceremonial dress? Just don't forget the mustache or you're going to look pretty foolish. ANSWERING THE HARD QUESTIONS One of the hardest questions to answer that frequently comes up during job interview is "what are you faults." Trust me, it is not a good idea to tell the truth. Interviewers do not want to hear you say, "I have trouble looking a woman in the eye if she wears anything larger than a B-cup" or "I'll probably occasionally sneak into the copy room to take a dump because I'm too lazy to walk all the way to the bathroom." Instead, turn this question to your advantage by answering, "One of my biggest faults is my insatiable appetite for revenge. Whenever I feel like I don't get something I deserve, I will relentlessly and violently make sure that I exact revenge tenfold on whoever stood in my way. By the way, I really, really want this job." Another toughie is the idiotic hippy kinds of questions like "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" This question is a trick. The interviewer doesn't really want to know what kind of tree you would be (maple), they just want to see how you react under pressure. Therefore, the correct response is, "I don't know. Whatever kind of tree that thinks that question is retarded." DON'T FREEZE If you are prone to freezing up under pressure, you might want to take precautions. One sensible precaution anyone can take is rigging up a hidden microphone under your clothes that will transmit everything being said during the interview to a smart friend hiding outside in a van marked "Florist". Your friend can then feed you answers be speaking into a microphone that sends sound back into the enormous pair of 1970s earphones that you can simply tell the interviewer that you must wear constantly for religious reasons. One thing to watch out for, though, is possible interference from other signals. Remember: if your earphones accidentally pick up a radio station playing "The Macarena" YOU DO NOT NEED TO ACTUALLY PERFORM THE MACARENA. It is highly unlikely that this is part of your interview, unless you are interviewing to be a dancer. Even if you are, do you really want to work for anyone who would make you do The Macarena. What year do they think this is? Really, that song is so old now that this joke probably doesn't even work. What station would still be playing it? Anyway, I wouldn't dance to it. CONFIDENCE IS KEY The most important thing of all, though, is to simply appear confident. Act as though you know you are the best candidate for the job, and even try to make them sell the position to you. In fact, maybe it's best to just pretend you already have the job, go in early the day of the scheduled interview, and just start working there as if it's already a done deal. Maybe they'll be too embarrassed to say anything and just start paying you. In fact, let's just go with this plan. Stick to it and stick to it hard. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't really work there. If they want you out, they're going to have to carry you out, by God, and somebody's going to get a fork in the eye on the way. Good luck!