HOW TO MAKE THE WORLD LOVE AMERICA AGAIN By BRODIE H. BROCKIE Thanks to some unpopular warfare and exportation of pop-country music, America has lost much of its popularity on the world stage. But don't worry, How To is here to help find ways to make the greatest nation in the world, the coolest nation in the world again! But first... DO WE REALLY CARE? So what if we're not as popular as we used to be? Are there really any negative effects from this? Sure, some Americans claim that they are not treated as kindly when they travel overseas, but who needs to travel overseas anyway? England has Stonehenge? We have Car-henge! Italy has the leaning tower of Pisa? Wisconsin has the Leaning Tower of Cheese-a! France has the Eiffel Tower? We have Eiffel Towers in Las Vegas; King's Island; Disney World; Paris, Tennessee; AND Paris, Texas (with a COWBOY HAT on top - BAM!). We win. But still, we DO want to become more popular with the rest of the world again. Otherwise, how are we going to be elected king of the big World Prom? Do you want to see Canada's hands all over Prom Queen China? I don't. So... What to do? Options: CONQUER EVERYONE If we conquer every other nation on Earth, then we turn all those countries into part of America! No one could hate America then or else they would be HATING THEMSELVES! Downside: If everyplace were America, where would we feel OK about having children make our sweatpants for 12 cents a day? EXTREME HOMELAND MAKEOVER When a company wants to signal to disenchanted customers that they've some real substantive changes without actually making any real substantive changes, what do they do? Make some flashy attention-getting insubstantial changes, of course: new logos, slogans, and theme songs! So while there's nothing really wrong with our old flag, a new one will send a message that this is the NEW USA. Something like this maybe: Partner that with a new theme song, or whatever country's call their theme songs. National Anthems. You know what I mean. Our suggestion: the 1987 hit łThe Final Countdown"! What could make anyone want to be on our side more than the searing synthesized hook of this classic? Downside: The name of the band playing this song is "Europe" which maybe doesn't make a lot of sense for America's theme song. We thought about something by the band America, but what would we use? "Tinman?" "You Can Do Magic?" "Horse With No Name?" We want other countries to love us, not want to beat us up an take our lunch money. Maybe we can start a new band called Amerirock and have them cover "The Final Countdown" or something. We'll figure it out. IF ALL ELSE FAILS If none of these plans work (though, come on. They will.), we can pull out all the stops and have the military commence bombing every other nation on Earth... with delicious Fruit snacks snack packs! A Fruitilicious surprise from the skies - courtesy of America!