HOW TO NOT GET A SPEEDING TICKET By BRODIE H. BROCKIE First of all, it's important that you know what a speeding ticket is: a speeding ticket is a piece of paper that a police officer gives to you if you have been driving faster than the legal limit. It is NOT a ticket that allows you entrance to a moto-cross show. Speeding tickets come with hefty monetary fines and usually and increase on your car insurance premium. You do not want a speeding ticket. There are several different options to follow to not receive a speeding ticket. OPTION #1: Do not drive faster than the legal limit. This is the most effective method of not receiving a speeding ticket. It is also the most boring. If you are a big boring baby, than take this advice. I hope you like happier people zooming past you at delightfully exhilarating speeds on the highway/freeway/byway/speedway as they live fulfilling lives of not being in their cars quite as much as you and waiting longer to leave home and getting where they're going sooner and feeling like they're winning, because that's what you're going to get. So I hope you like it. OPTION #2: Be a hot girl. The majority of law-enforcement officers are males (and a high-percentage of the female law-enforcement community are lesbians). If you are a hot girl, you can use your feminine wiles to cloud the judgment of police officers so that they will let you go with merely a warning. Probably, you are either already a hot girl or you will never simply become one. If you are a girl who is not hot, try this: get hotter. If you are a man, there are drugs and/or operations available that could make you either appear to be or actually BECOME a hot girl. As these pharmaceuticals and medical procedures typically cost MORE than most speeding tickets, it may not be a fiscally-sound decision to go through with sex reassignment for the sole purpose of avoiding speeding tickets, BUT IT MIGHT BE FUN! OPTION #3: Drive extremely fast. "Wait a second!" you say. "Isn't driving too fast the reason police officers want to give me a ticket in the first place?" Well, bully tendencies, quotas, and general big shot-itis aside, yes. Driving too fast IS the reason that police officers want to give you a ticket, but here's something maybe you didn't think of: police officers can only give you a ticket IF THEY CAN CATCH YOU! That's right, if you manage to escape being pulled over by a police officer, you will not receive a ticket at all! Be warned, though, police officers will try VERY hard to catch you. If you try to get away, they may even call their friends who are also police officers and they could gang up on you! This might not sound very fair, but it will probably happen anyway. Police may also employ some of the following tactics to apprehend evading speeders: helicopters, road blocks, G.I. Joe member Road Block, tacks, putting glue in the road, shooting your tires, shooting your engine, shooting you, oil slicks, making a big painting that looks like a tunnel but really is a brick wall, sand worms, Robocop, tanks, mind-controlled tornados. If they DO catch you, you will definitely get at least a speeding ticket. However, you might also get to be ON TV! However, it would probably just be on Fox. OPTION #4: Drive an invisible car. Police can't give you a speeding ticket if they can't see you! Unfortunately, there are several complications in owning invisible cars. For one, after you've parked, people are constantly rear-ending your invisible car because they think that they've found an empty space. Haven't these people heard of invisible cars!? I guess not! OPTION #5: Time-travel Police officers write down their names on your tickets. After you receive a speeding ticket, read the issuing officer's name and then learn everything you can about them. Once you know everything, invent a time machine. Use this time machine to go back in time to before the issuing officer was born. Go all the way back to before his parents even met. Once back in time, meet the issuing officer's parents of whichever gender you are not (EXAMPLE: if you are a man, meet the issuing officer's mother). Woo the issuing officer's parent until they fall in love with you. Enjoy a suitable period of courting before settling down. Marry the issuing officer's parent. Don't rush having kids, just enjoy some time together for a while. Maybe travel. When the time is right, have a child. Now YOU are the parent of the issuing officer. Continue to enjoy life as such as all three of you grow older. Isn't parenthood rewarding? Eventually, you will arrive on the same day when you were first speeding and got pulled over, but NOW when it happens, the police officer will approach your vehicle to discover that he or she has pulled over one of his own parents! He wouldn't give a speeding ticket to his own parents, would he!? Drawback: he might. OPTION #6: Bribery. When a police officer pulls you over, offer him a delicious chocolate bar. Everyone loves chocolate! Drawbacks: there are no drawbacks to bribery. It can't hurt to try!