HOW TO QUIT SMOKING By BRODIE H. BROCKIE There is really a very simple and time-tested three-step method to help you stop smoking: stop, drop, and roll. This method even works when you are slightly aflame. It's really not hard. But while we're here, let's also address the much more difficult issue of how to stop smoking cigarettes. BUT ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO? It's understandable that you started smoking in the first place. You must've had your reasons. Who doesn't look at a rolled-up piece of slightly off-white paper tightly packed with some kind of dark, shredded leaves and think "I would love to stick that in my mouth, light it on fire, and inhale the smoke deep into my lungs." It's just natural instinct! Plus, we've been tricked by Hollywood into thinking smoking looks cool: remember when you were a child and you'd see a movie with a princess trapped by a horrible, scaly dragon with smoke constantly billowing out of his monstrous, flared nostrils? Who among us didn't dream of one-day being just like that dragon. Or maybe you just have breath so naturally sweet-smelling that you were constantly troubled by bees flying into your mouth thinking it was a blooming flower. You had do SOMETHING to stink your mouth up, didn't you? Or maybe you just hate everyone and everything and want to do you part to slowly contribute to the inevitable death of everyone you encounter while simultaneously slightly dirtying every place you go. We've met a lot of people and been a lot of places, and we really can't fault you for that attitude either. But now something has changed. Maybe you want to keep the teeth you have left or be allowed to eat in public in any one of the ever-increasing number of states that have banned smoking. You've decided. It's time. You want to quit smoking. Let's find a way. HYPNOSIS As cartoons have shown us, hypnosis is a skill possessed by men wearing top hats and waving pocketwatches. They use this skill to convince people that they are, in fact, chickens. And have you ever seen a chicken that smoked? Well, unfortunately, there are a few. Most likely you would be hypnotized into thinking you're one of the 99.999% of non-smoking chickens, but even if you're in the majority on those odds, there's a really good chance you'd live a short, sad life in a tiny cage and your thighs will be chemically-injected until they grow to enormous proportions. How can you get those thighs slimmed back down? Maybe you should start smoking! OH GREAT, HERE WE GO AGAIN. OK, forget about hypnosis. Next method. GET YOUR FIX ANOTHER WAY The addictive substance in cigarettes is nicotine (SCIENCE!). So one way method to help you quit smoking is to find another way to deliver the nicotine to your body. One product that has been developed is nicotine patches, though reports are mixed about how well these works. Our buddy Jeff sewed nicotine patches all over his clothes and they didn't help curb his cravings for cigarettes in the slightest. Nicotine gum is another invention that delivers the addictive qualities to your system, but with lots of states also looking to outlaw gum chewing in public places, that's probably a short-term solution at best. No, what's needed is to break the addiction entirely. But how? QUITTING COLD TURKEY Let's be honest, if you were capable of simply quitting smoking cold turkey, you probably would have stopped reading this piece by now and just done it, but since you're obviously more of the wah-wah crybaby type, this probably isn't for you. I bet you still take a bath in the sink, don't you? Goo goo. MAKING THE PLEASANT UNPLEASANT The problem is your body and mind have both become accustomed to associating the experience of smoking with pleasurable sensations, like ease of addictive side-effects, relaxation, intense coughing, and bad breath. What you need to do, instead is condition your mind and body to associated smoking with negative experiences? How? By forcing yourself, every time you smoke, to also engage immediately afterward in some kind of enormously unpleasant, increasingly awful physical experience. In fact, we suggest making the activity increasingly unpleasant every time you light up. Follow this guide to quitting smoking through self-abuse: Smoke #1: Rap yourself on the knuckles with a ruler Smoke #2: Flick yourself in the eyeball Smoke #3: Slam the car door shut on your fingers Smoke #4: Listen to "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M. Smoke #5: Head to the nearest WalMart and lick the handle to the bathroom. No, the INSIDE handle. Smoke #6: Listen to "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M. on repeat for 2 hours. Smoke #7: When you're done with this cigarette, put it out on your tongue. Smoke #8: When you're done with this cigarette, put it out on Mike Tyson's tongue. Smoke #9: Twilight movie marathon! Smoke#10: Twilight movie marathon with Mike Tyson inside of a Walmart bathroom. By now you've either kicked the habit or died, so either way - problem solved!