EVERYTHING WE KNOW ABOUT THE NEW STAR TREK FILM!!!!!

Hairy here, checking in with... everything we know about the next upcoming picture in the ongoing Star Trek franchise. Sometimes... it gets hard to separate the fact from the rumors, so... that's what we're doing here. For once.... I'm going to set aside the unconfirmed stuff, and just let you know what we know for sure... 100%

But first... let me fill you in on the day I was having when I was able to confirm these... juicy tidbits. Your old pal Hairy is a man who enjoys his moon pies. Moon pies are a tasty treat. A couple of hard cookies with some marshmellowey goo would be good enough for most treats, but these babies also throw in some frosting! Now that's a treat worthy of the moon, my friends. Plus... moon pies are inexpensive! Unlike some newer confections that don't share the... rich history of the moon pie, you can buy several of these without breaking your wallet.

Still... I have often wondered if it might not be possible to get moon pies... even cheaper! Possibly by cutting out the middle man... or at least by finding a cheaper middle man. I decided to try an online search for moon pie suppliers. I visited one of the popular search engines and enetered in "Moon Pie supplier" and was about to his enter when... the doorbell rang!

I immediately rose to my feet and began to make it up the stairs toward the doorway. People are so impatient these days... The doorbell continued to ring every few minutes as I dragged my cumbersome body up the flight of stairs from the basement. Still... they did wait, so that counts for something.

Once there, I found an adorable, pigtailed little Girl Scout waiting for me at the door. She was selling cookies. Oh... sweet Girl Scout Cookies! Many a night have I argued with Papa Dork, Blofeld, and Odysseus about which variety is the finest well past the midnight hour at the local drafthouse. Odysseus, the mighty Greek, puts forth a thin argument in favor of Thin Mints. Papa Dork prefers the classic simple Shortbread. Blofeld, of course, is a man with a heart only for the Carmel Delights. But me... I try to convince those in my Friendship Circle that a true lover of Girl Scout Cookies has no favorite... he loves them all.

I was about to order a wide assortment when I suddenly realized... that I had ALREADY ordered Girl Scout Cookies this year! SEVERAL TIMES (the local chapter knows of my... generous nature... so I am usually visited by several scouts). What's more, I had ordered them some time ago! Are Girl Scout cookies even in season? I THINK NOT!!!!

Clearly, this was another attempt by Hollywood executives to silence your friend Hairy Knavel. Many a movie suit would dance a happy jig to see my mighty frame placed into a piano crate and lowered into the cold ground. Nice try, Hollywood Fat Cats, but Hairy Knavel knows his Girl Scout cookie season. I shouted at the green-uniformed tool of the studio system to take her poisened confections back to Mr. Goldwyn and... slammed the door in her face.

Just a half hour later... and I was back in front of my basement computer. I was debating resuming my quest for inexpensive Moon Pies or starting a new one for (untainted) off-season Girl Scout Cookies when... the e-mail arrived!

Finally, my... top-secret source inside Paramount had come through with SOLID CONFIRMED details about the next Star Trek film. Like you... I have waited with bated breath for these details. I don't like to keep you waiting, so.... here they are.

1. The film will take place predominently in space.

2. Phasers will be fired.

3. The crew will encounter aliens... possibly of a hositle nature!

4. Phasers will be fired.

Well, now I am officially geeked! Sounds like everything I loved about earlier Star Trek films will be back in this next one.. and maybe more! I'm practically drooling with anticipation now.

Oh... and I did manage to find a cheap source for Moon Pies but... I won't tell you where! You'd all rush to it and then they'd run out or raise the prices or something.

Hairy out.