Papa Dork here. My son Hairy and I were absolutely stunned at the reaction to his review of Robert Altman's "If These Streets Could Talk" that we ran yesterday.

We received a ton of negative mail, including accusations of being "bought" by "Hollywood", of "selling out". One reader accused Hairy of using to many elipses... honestly though... we're not sure what that word means... is it some kind of drug? I assure you... Hairy is not on drugs. Some particularly cruel back-talkers even mades cracks about my son's weight. Let me respond to these charges one at a time:

1. Hairy has "sold out"
Wrong. No Way. Forget it. The integrity of IACITB cannot be bought. The only things Hairy recieved from the studio were a first-class plane trip to Hollywood, a cheuffered drive during his stay, a free movie screening, a hotel stay, meals, snacks, and a trip to the studio's theme park. He did NOT receive ANY money at all for doing this. How can someone "sell out" if they don't take any money? ANSWER... they can't. So DROPT IT, you little punks.

2. Hairy's opinion was swayed by gifts.
Again. No. Hairy loved this movie. He loved it before he even saw it. No amount of gifts would have affected this impartial opinion.

3. Hairy is a fat slob.
This is mean. Hairy has a serious weight problem that stems from glandeuler malfunctions and has nothing to do with the fact that he spends his days either watching movies and snacking or sitting at the computer is snacking. Also, just because we on this site often make jokes about Hairy being a fat slob doesn't mean you can. Especially not if you disagree with us.

The Back Talk section of our site is meant to discuss the things we love... the movies. It is not meant to be used as a forum for ripping on how Hairy conducts his reviews. This is a privately owned site, and while we welcome all opinions, we do not welcome opinions about Hairy being a fat sell-out. From now on, anyone caught accusing Hairy of selling his opinions, of being fat, or calling me delusional or neurotic will be immediately banned from Back Talk forever. How will you get your giraffes to the grocery store then, Aunt Minerva? Answer me that. HOW WILL YOU GET YOUR GIRAFFES TO THE GROCERY STORE THEN???!!!