Hairy here. Never let it be said that I don't listen to my readers. I
have been listening. First there was the review on Monday, then Papa
Dork's defense on Tuesday, and then yesterday when I humbly requested
pwesents... None of which made anybody very happy.
Apparantly some of y'all out there consider old Hairy Knavel to be a
kind of reporter, like Clark Kent, but this week... I feel more like Jimmy
Olsen did when he took the bottled City of Kandor out to be cleaned.
You see... Jimmy just thought he was cleaning one of Superman's trophies,
but really the bottle held a shrunken city from Krypton full of little
Kryptonians, and Jimmy's thorough rinsing and scrubbing and bleaching
killed millions.
Just like Jimmy... I thought I was doing something good. There was a
movie we all wanted to know something about... so when I had the chance to
see it, I took it. I never thought an all-expense paid trip to
Hollywood might sway my feelings. Honestly... I still don't think it
did. But maybe in the future... I should me more careful about
appearances.
Luckily, THE FLASH let Superman borrow his time-travelling Cosmic
Treadmill and he went back in time to stop Jimmy from cleaning Kandor.
Unfortunately, your pal Hairy doesn't have a Cosmic Treadmill... and... even
if I did, I don't think I could run fast enough to go back in time. So,
even though I can't make my so-called "mistakes" go away... I can try to
do better in the future.
And to help me do so. Here are my new.
HAIRY KNAVEL DECLARATION OF PRINCIPALS
1. Never again will I accept a free plane ride or hotel stay from a
studio for a film I plan on reviewing. Should a studio wish to fly me
anywhere (to a film set or to interview directors or beautiful buxom
starlets), they may, but not for reviews. For reviews, they must send
me a videocassette to my home. Or maybe they could stage a big premiere
in my hometown for all my friends and neighbors to come to... that would
be fun!)
2. I will not accept roles in films I plan to review (unless, of
course, it's a George Lucas movie. Come one, I' m only human. George,
are you listening? Maybe it's time Jabba the Hutt had a little
brother).
3. I will never again beg for pwesents on this site. Should you want to
get me a pwesent, you will have to pick out a gift on your own or write
me privately for a list.
4. The site will only run news from established sources who give me
their real names and contact information (unless the news is just TOO
GOOD! Sometimes our moles find out GREAT STUFF. You don't expect me to
ignore KING OF THE BRACELETS information just because I don't know if
the mole is really just a film fan or secreatly a studio mouthpiece, do
you?)
Now that takes care of me. As for Papa Dork, well... he came off a little
strong the other day... but really he's just a pussycat. Also, his new
medication seems to be working much better, and he no longer believes he
is being followed by Cylons. No, none of the people banished from Back
Talk the other day will be allowed back, but he'll try not to banish so
many next time he has one of his... episodes.
I hope that clears everything up. Come on back tomorrow for the new era
of It Ain't Cool in the Basement sterling journalistic integrity!
