by Leonard Pierce, Jon Morris, Justin Vidovic, Ben Flaster, RJ White, and Brodie H. Brockie
1. Tell him there are fools on the plane. In his excitement to teach the fools a lesson, he will run onto the plane, disregarding the fact that is is a plane.
Once he is safely on board, shut and latch the door of the plane.
2. Convince B.A. Baracus that he is going to receive a gold watch, a handsome pair of cuff links and a certificate suitable for framing in recognition of his twenty years of devoted service to the A-Team. Inform him that the ceremony (which is accompanied by a delicious and complementary dinner) is being held at a novelty 'theme' restaurant shaped like an airplane.
BUT IT IS A REAL AIRPLANE!
3. Offer him reasonable fares to enticing locations along with generous frequent-flyer incentives.
4. 11. It is not B. A. Baracus who needs to be convinced the board an airplane.
It is the airplane which must be convinced to allow B.A. Baracus into itself.
B.A. Baracus must BE in the airplane. The airplane must be around B.A. Baracus.
All is love.
5. Arrange for B.A. Baracus to take an enjoyable tour of a large factory in an industrial sector on the outskirts of town. As the tour takes place early in the morning, B.A. Baracus drinks several cups of strong coffee in order to maintain his alertness, and the human body being what it is, he eventually finds it necessary to visit the facilities. Direct him to a small enclosed stand-alone structure, known in the vernacular as a "Port-a-Potty", where he may relieve his bladder. After doing so, he discovers that he has become trapped within. Assure him that a team of locksmiths has been sent for to extricate him from his sanitary prison.
HOWEVER, WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING IS THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT HIM TO AN AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURING FACILITY, AND WHAT HE BELIEVES ARE LOCKSMITHS ARE ACTUALLY FACTORY WORKERS BUILDING A PLANE AROUND HIM!
6. Collect several large cardboard boxes (TIP: you can often get them free from your local hardware store!) and decorate them around the plane to look like a Target store. Then take out an ad in the local paper that the new Target, located on the runway of the nearest airport, is having a grand opening sale on gold chains, feather earrings, milk, weights, overalls, and scented candles (which was also something B.A. really liked, though he didn't talk about it very much). Wait.
7. Homophobia, isolation, lonliness. These are very rampant and sad ills in our society. If the A-Team had been better at male-to-male non-sexual intimacy, B.A. might have enjoyed the plane rides more. He might have looked forward to the chance to sit down and really talk with his friends about his life. He also could have admitted his fear of flying to his friends, talked it through, and let it go.
8. Tell B.A. Baracus, in a frantic tone of voice, that he must hurry and catch a flight to Philadelphia in order to defend his heavyweight championship against the "Italian Stallion", Rocky Balboa.
BY THE TIME HE REALIZES THAT HE HAS BECOME CONFUSED ABOUT WHICH ROLE HE IS MEANT TO BE PLAYING, IT WILL BE TOO LATE!
9. Get him really dehydrated till he's a little pile of brightly-colored dust. Sweep him into a little vial....
CAREful,Robin... the fate of the world... just may... hang.... in the balance.
10. Inform B.A. Baracus that the A-Team has agreed to play an inspirational concert for disadvantaged and handicapped children of the inner city. The program will consist of selections by the mid-20th-century avant-garde composer Harry Partch, famed for creating his own unique and elaborate instruments. Hannibal will be playing the quadrangulus reversum, Faceman will play the cloud chamber bowls, Howling Mad Murdock will be a featured soloist on the gourd tree with cone gongs, and B.A.'s instrument will be the syrimelonatron, an elaborate mechanical instrument in which the player must be seated in a reclining chair with a folding tray.
BUT IN ACTUALITY, IT IS AN AIRPLANE!
11. Take him to a water park, and have him go down a water slide that actually feeds into a stasis chamber. Next thing he knows, he's in a water park, but the sun is in a different place in the sky.
12. Easiest solution possible - Have Optimus Prime push him in.
13. Introduce B.A. Baracus to a beautiful, intelligent young woman named Sandra. She seems miles beyond him -- she is an Ivy League graduate, a woman damaged by life, a sensitive soul with little patience for the ways of war. But she has a secret, unashamed past on the streets; she has become hard (but not bitter) by what she has lived through; she shares his emotional intensity, his furious drive, his love of gold chains and unconventional hairstyles. Against what seem impossible odds, they fall in love. He is happier than he has ever been. One night, as they lie in bed, cooling, touching delicately, whispering delicacies to one another, she looks towards the future.
"Bosco," she says, "You know I love you."
"I know it, woman," he replies. He never calls her by her name, and is not sure if he actually remembers it.
"But I don't love your insecurities," she adds. "I don't love your neuroses. I love the man you are, not the animal you sometimes become."
"Shut up, fool," he bellows -- but is that a hint of insecurity, of defensiveness, of fear in his voice? "I got no time for your jibba jabba."
"Bosco. If you love me. If you love us. If you love the children we're going to have -- " and here he melts, he breaks down, his soldier's heart splinters in his chest with the intolerable weight of real love -- "then you will do what it takes to get well."
B.A. Baracus realizes that the time has come to be a man: and to be a man in a way more profound than he has ever associated with his heroic actions as a soldier and mercenary. He knows now that strength, anger, power, will and courage are only part of being a man. What it truly takes to be a man is to heal the wounded child inside the man, and to do it for the woman you love. B.A. Baracus knows that he must seek counseling for his psychological problems, starting with his terrible fear of flying; he makes an appointment with a skilled psychiatrist who, as a former combat veteran, is well-equipped to suit his special needs. He begins to talk, then to remember, and finally, cathartically, to weep.
THEN WHEN HE'S CRYING ON THE COUCH, YOU RUN IN AND BEAT HIM WITH LEAD PIPES UNTIL HE'S UNCONSCIOUS AND THROW HIM IN THE CARGO BAY!
14. Shoot his kneecaps off.