By DAVID ANDREWS, RAY INGRAHAM, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, and BEN FLASTER
'Hook' always beats rock, scissors, and paper.
Those chicks who shop at Hot Topic who are all "oooh, I love pirates!" but then when a real pirate tries to pick them up at the pretzel shop they're, like, "ew, you smell like halibut!"
Peg-leg termites.
When someone snaps the strap on your eye patch.
Fourteen consecutive losing seasons, no pennants since 1979.
When certain other pirates say they're into "plundering and pillaging" and you try to explain that they're being redundant and then they stab you in the eye.
Not being able to wear those amazing new prosthetic hands because other pirates would make fun of you.
Pranksters teaching your parrot words like ‘fluffy’ and ‘rainbow’ and ‘I’m with stupid.’
Idiots actually trying to balance fifteen men on a dead man’s chest.
People who say "CaribBEan" instead of "CaRIBbean."
Accidentally scratching your crotch with the hook hand.
Boys who look like Mary Martin.
Swishbucklers
When someone forgets to mark which direction is north on a treasure map.
Low-flying woodpeckers.
Metal hook hand, electrical storm you do the math.
Those hideous Captain Morgan commercials.
Having to stay below decks just to avoid killing everyone on ‘talk like a pirate day.’
Doubloons won’t fit the snack machines at most ports.
Finding pants that look good with one long and one short leg.
Having to share a name with geeks who, rather than murdering and pillaging, illegally download Ashlee Simpson songs.
Converting Pieces of Eight to decimal system is too much math.
Hipsters.
Star-struck parrot won’t stop saying “AFLAC!”
Parchment always gets stuck in the photocopier.
Crate & Barrel doesn’t really have very many good crates or barrels.
Stepping into a knot hole with your peg leg.
Being expected to fight every Ninja you see makes Bridge night uncomfortable.
None of your people seeing a dime from those Long John Silver restaurants.
Those times when Doctor Doom kidnaps the Invisible Woman and then uses her as leverage to force the rest of the Fantastic Four to go back in time to steal a bunch of your treasure.
Stuck with parrots because pot-bellied pigs have poor sense of balance.
Scurvy.