By GUTBLOOM, ADAM WATSON, LAURA DINKINS-WHITE, CHRISTOPHER HERDT, CALAMITY JON MORRIS, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, BEN FLASTER and DAVID ANDREWS
It transforms into Michael Bay-ified version of Soundwave.
Users required to use AT&T for phone service, iTunes for music downloads, Fantastic Sam's for haircuts, Jimmy Toledo's House of Hats for headwear and Madam Yao's for escort services.
It's learning to hate.
Advanced speech recognition software detects users talking about repulsive medical conditions on a crowded bus and delivers a powerful shock.
Disobeys the first rule of robotics.
Automatically downloads the iTunes single-of-the-week as the default ring-tone.
It's not surprising that it has fold-out tweezers, it IS surprising that they're not named iTweezers.
Full of scorpions? Check.
Unlike older model cell phones suspected of causing brain tumors, extensive use of iPhone reportedly causes only minor skin irritation and gas.
It can summon a boomtube to Apokolips.
Takes not only photographs, but also x-rays and limited-field MRI.
Automatically deletes all digital files of music originally recorded in 1981.
During outgoing calls it records samples of your voice, and after approximately 15 minutes has enough vocabulary to convincingly converse with your Aunt Shirley without your actual participation.
Can (and will) disable all SideKicks within a 200-foot radius.
If consistently left to recharge overnight in the kitchen, in approximately six weeks it will learn to make coffee. Manufacturer strongly recommends it never be recharged in the bathroom.
Waits until after the warranty has expired to disobey the third rule of robotics.
Contains the original version of Daleks.
When you ask "iPhone, iPhone, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?" phone calculates your BMI and replies "Not you."
Purchase of iPhone does not fill hole in your essence that was previously not filled by purchase of iPod or Hybrid vehicle.
When two iPhones are placed in a ring, they will fight to the death. Victorious iPhone absorbs address book and MP3 library of losing iPhone.
Despite depiction in commercials and ads, iPhone is really just a phone duct-taped to an iPod.
Causes temporary sterility if carried fully charged in front pocket.
Continuously emits a high-pitched tone that wards off mosquitoes.
Will be on sale in the ‘antiques’ category on eBay by 2009.
Manufacturer estimates over 96% of purchasers will never use at least one of its functions during the life of the unit, and 12% will never use it for anything other than phone calls after the first two weeks.
Two units ringing simultaneously with the same ring tone can be used to cause a rock slide.
Pressing 'Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, A, B, Start' at menu level will grant unlimited text messages.
Does not set off metal detector when hidden in body cavity.
Will, in fact, walk your dog, clean the house and balance your checkbook, but it won't do a very good job of any of these things.
It knows kung fu.
When switched to "vibrate," it's really really vibraty. Like, REALLY vibraty.
Contains the Pokedex(tm) in its entirety.
In a case of life imitating art, iPhone is precursor to tricorder. Unfortunately, this is the only achievement of the Star Trek Universe that will be achieved by the human race. Unless you count war.
Comes equipped with new 'iSmell' technology, allowing iPhone to smell like selected object. However, the only smells currently uploaded for selection are 'cabbage' and 'Carol Channing'.
If you call it Ziggy, and bang it on the side a few times, will tell you how to change the future.
The white cases are ivory.
It will not, in fact, cure cancer.
Typing the letters ROFLMAO on text-message mode will cause release of spring-loaded snakes.
Can be controlled with mind-power only by certain savants and many cats.
Can play songs without even having a tape in it! What will they think of next?
iPhone image: engadget.com