Commercial #1: the sub-compact
I hate these commercials. First, of course, I hate them for the obvious reasons (the music is annoying and the star has a hateful smugness about him), but I hate even more because they just don't make any sense.

Take the first commercial. In it, the central doofus sings about how he went to acquire a new automobile, hoping to leave with something stylish and impressive. Only when he was at the dealership did he learn that his credit was in poor standing and he would only be granted permission to attain a vehicle that is merely serviceable, but socially embarrassing. He ends with suggesting that if he had only gone to freecreditreport.com before making his journey to gain an automobile, things would've turned out differently.

HOW?

The only difference I can see is that he would've traveled to the dealership with a clearer idea of what to expect when he got there. Knowing that his credit was "whack" in advance might've lowered his expectations, but would not have in any way helped him acquire the more impressive vehicle he desired, as the commercial seems to imply it would.

Of course, knowing that his credit was in poor standings, he might've then taken time to improve it, but he could still do that after having discovered his poor credit at the dealership. The story of the commercial seems to say that the main character needs a vehicle immediately, so he surely would've had no time to significantly improve his ratings anyway. Finally, taking a good look at the goofball, does anyone suspect his credit will be improving in the future, even with his newfound (by the dealer) knowledge of his current bad credit? I think not.

So, whether or not our friend paid a visit to the advertising website in question, I can only see him leaving the auto lot in that same sub-compact and his posse still the subject of scorn of out-of-reach nubile young ladies.

Commercial #2: Pirate-costume restaurant
In this installment, our troubadour-narrator laments that he has been forced to take employment at a seafood restaurant, one of the kind that only exists in commercials or teen sex-comedy movies that forces its employees to wear silly oversized hats and themed-costumes. In fact, it looks like our friend may be working at the same restaurant whose uniforms embarrassed poor Judge Reinhold back in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."

Again, the goofball protagonist blames a lack of knowledge about his poor credit standing on his current misfortune. This makes even less sense than it did in the first commercial. At least then there is some link: a bad credit report will make it harder to obtain an impressive automobile (though it still holds that knowing that ahead of time would've changed nothing). This time, even that thin thread of logic is thrown out as it is suggested that if the central character knew he had bad credit, he would not currently be forced to dress as a pirate and serve fish sticks for a living.

WHY?

What does he mean by this? Is he under the impression that if he improved his credit he would not even need employment? Surely by now he must understand that if he were to live on credit alone his credit status would quickly get even worse. Instead, we must guess that he believes having better credit would somehow lead to better employment (or, actually simply knowing that he had bad credit would lead to better employment).

We don't have much to go on, but I'm guessing that the smiling doofus is simply assuming that he's not getting better jobs because of his poor credit instead of more likely reasons such as his employment history, education, ridiculous haircut, or tendency to compulsively sing responses during job interviews.

I'm starting to think this guy simply blames everything bad that happens on him on not knowing his credit status. "OW, I slammed my thumb in the door - if only I had known I had such bad credit!" "Oh no, Grandma got cancer - why didn't I go to freecreditreport.com! WHY?!"

Commercial #3: dream girl
"I married my dream girl!" our hated pitchman announces at the start of the latest freecreditreport.com commercial.

This is a shocking announcement and immediately grabs the viewer's attention. Seemingly, the protagonist's deepest desires have been fulfilled. Looking back to when we first met him, he was bemoaning his lack of positive credit which he would've liked to use to acquire an impressive car. Beyond that, though, he revealed that the only reason he really wanted the car was so that it would help him win the interest and affection of attractive women.

Now he seems to have successfully sidestepped the need for his secondary desire and jumped all the way to completely his originally stated true desire: companionship, affection, love.

Here is the opportunity for growth. Here is the brief suggestion of a real lesson: material goods and financial stability are not a guarantee of finding love nor happiness, and those who will truly love you (your "dream girl") will love you whether you are rich or poor, have good credit or bad, or know if you have good credit or bad).

The promise of these lessons, a happy ending to these commercials, and continuity are all immediately tossed out, however as the singer begins to complain (the irony! The hypocrisy!) about his new wife's bad credit.

If, somehow, you did not hate the central character of these commercials before, you must immediately grow to hate him when he announces that because of his wife's poor credit, they cannot get approved for a home loan and he wishes he had known that before so that he might have never married her - his DREAM GIRL.

The commercial is seriously suggesting that it's a good idea to check someone else's credit rating before you allow yourself to get too romantically attached to them.

That's morally reprehensible, of course, but let's set that aside as much as we can to examine what has become of our protagonist. He suggests that, if he were not married to his wife, he could have easily obtained a home on his own (complete with a yard and dog).

HOW?

What has happened in the few months since his credit rating was so awful that he couldn't even get a lease on a decent car? Now he can get a home loan? Even now in the current financial climate? Surely dressing as a pirate and slinging warmed-over cod cannot pay so well that he straightened out his credit rating this much, this quickly.

I especially doubt his credit-turnaround as being true since, if he had become so knowledgeable about financial matters, he would know he could still simply get the home loan in his own name alone. If his credit is as good as all that, wouldn't he STILL be able to get that same home and just not put his wife's name on the loan? I'm no financial expert myself, so I may be wrong on this point, but I don't see why he can't just get a house for both of them.

Also, you don't need good credit to get a dog, you jackass. Just go down to the Humane Society and rescue one. Probably this guy feels like he needs to have some kind of purebred champion dog, though. I'm betting he doesn't want a dog for companionship or affection either, just as a status symbol, since as we've learned at last, material possessions are more important to him than anything else. More than pride, more than honesty, more than love itself.

When we first met him, he was a young idealist, unaware of his own credit score or how to obtain it, only looking for fun with his buddies and the embrace of a woman. Now he has become the opposite: obsessed with the financial stability of himself and others. Always smiling, but never happy.

He never will be.

Also, apparently freecreditreport.com's services are not actually free.