OK, so my so-called real name has gotten out, eh? Damn. Since '77 I'm "Hammerhead" everywhere I go. A two second appearance in a certain space-movie (that I gots paid SCALE for, thank you) and it's "Yo, Hammerhead! What up?" every time I go to the liquer store to pick up a 40. OK, so that happened a lot before the movie too because, after all, I do have a noggin just like a hammerhead shark.

Anyway, I gots used to it, right? Hammerhead. It's a tough name. Who wants to mess with Hammerhead? Answer: nobody. Ain't nobody wants to mess with Hammerhead.

Then all of a sudden one day in, like, '95, I'm at the Dairy Queen getting my Dilly Bar fix and this fat sucker pulls up in his Taurus and yells, "Hey, Momaw Nadon!" and this throws me way off. At first, I think maybe this is some guy I knew from High School or something, but then I realize that he does not have a hammer-like head, so that canšt be it.

Turns out that George "Can't Leave Nothin' Alone" Lucas gave his puppets the go-ahead to start using my real name in his little books and toys and crap so now every 30-year-old virgin in the country thinks he can call me "Momaw Nadon."

Ticks me off, man.

That's right "Momaw Nadon." That's my birth name, and it doesn't exactly sound hard core, does it? But I'm HAMMERHEAD, yo? Look at me! Hammerhead!

Next reunion I have with the Cantina Crew, turns out we ALL outed. And get this, most of these jerks LOVE it. Snaggletooth is all "At last I'm Zutton again! I'm Zutton!" The hell you are, shorty. You Snaggletooth. Man, even Walrus Man is asking everyone to call him "Ponda Baba" now. Yo, I might call you Lefty after you let that senior citizen cut your damn fool arm off, but other than that, you Walrus Man. Look in the mirror.

Me I'm sticking to what they put on the package of my action figure back in the day when we had disco on the radio, there weren't no such thing as safe sex, and I could wear bell-bottoms over my giant calves. Call me "Hammerhead."