How to thaw your Turkey There are several different ways to thaw out your turkey before you begin to prepare it. We present them below, in descending order of appropriateness:

THE FRIDGE

The best method is to thaw your turkey in the refrigerator, allowing 14 hours for every five pounds of fowl. This method will result in the best finished product.

WATER

If you're poor at planning ahead, you may have to pick a less ideal method. Turkey can also be thawed in cold water, allowing one half hour for every pound. For a large turkey, this is still likely to take a while, and you're still likely to forget while there's still time. Will you never learn?

MICROWAVE

The next best method is thawing your turkey in the microwave, providing you can actually fit it in there and aren't afraid of radioactive waves saturating your Thanksgiving dinner and turning all who eat it into some sort of half-man/half-turkey monsters bent on destruction and murder.

BODY HEAT

If you only have an hour, and are not squeamish, ask Uncle Chuck to hold the turkey in his massive armpits while it thaws. Use one half hour in each pit.

SWEET, SEXY TELEVISION

If you are somehow left with only half an hour, watch your Girls Gone Wild video with the turkey. That video is so hot, it's too hot for TV!

TIME TRAVEL

Only as an absolute last resort should you call old Doc Brown to bring his Delorean over to send you back to when you had enough time to properly thaw the turkey in the refrigerator. Remember: tampering with the space-time continuum is not to be taken lightly. Also, when you're back there pick up and extra bottle of wine. Aunt Sally's hitting it a little harder this year.