Amalgamated Humor recently got wind of an interesting piece of obscure legal information: apparently, gambling is legal in the state of Nevada. While talking over this information, the board of directors thought there might be some money to be made by opening some kind of establishment which people could visit to gamble, sleep, and possibly take in a show. Also, it could have lots of lights. After considering various Nevada cities (like Duckwater, Gabbs, Eureka, Wadsworth, Pahrump, Mound House, Zephyr Cove, Tuscarora, and Owyhee) it was decided to send a representative to the city of Las Vegas to see if the location might be suitable for such a venture. We all drew straws to see who should go, and then Amalgamated Humor Co-President Brodie H. Brockie said that he was going to go anyway. This is his report on what happened.

Part One: Airport Survivor

The first thing I saw as I stepped into the airport was a row of glittering, beeping slot machines. This put my mind at rest; clearly the locals wouldn't be dead set against some sort of organized gambling. Of course, I was thinking of something on a larger scale, but this was a positive first indication.

Next, I noted Mr. Robert Goulet explaining (sometimes in song) how to use the airport's walkway conveyor system. I initially assumed this was a pre-recorded announcement, but my entourage soon passed the glass encasement in which they keep Mr. Goulet as he reads (sometimes sings) the announcements. He winked and waved as I went by.

Rudy recognized me even though I was travelling incognito (Latin for "wearing glasses").

Not two minutes later, I had my next celebrity encounter when I was spotted by reality game-show contestant Rudy "Survivor" Boesch. We chatted for a few moments and I jokingly noted that it appeared he was still trying to win a million after his nationally-televised loss. In response, the former Navy SEAL threatened to castrate me with his pocketknife. Rocko and Tiny quickly explained to the cranky senior that I was just giving him the business and we were soon back to laughing together about his hatred of anyone different from himself. Rudy begged to have his picture taken with me, and I relented. One of my handlers snapped a photo of the two of us as well, and it appears at right. Later, as a gesture of good will, I found out where Rudy was staying and sent him two tickets to the diva impersonators show at La Cage. I'm sure he had a gay old time.

Finally, it was off to the strip (which is what they call the street in Las Vegas where there are several hotels in a row - also, there are strippers). Now, here's where I was in for a surprise; there are already several establishments with gambling and sleeping accommodations in Las Vegas. These buildings are called casinos, and wow are they impressive. Clearly, if I was going to open the Cap'n Wacky Hotel and Casino (as I soon took to calling it), I would have to thoroughly study every existing hotel in Las Vegas. I would need to gamble, sample their beverage and food services, and take in their shows - even those involving tasteful partial nudity and lots of feathers.

That's the kind of dedicated workaholic I am.

Whenever I think I have an original idea, somebody beats me to it.