There is this boy that I really like, but we are such good friends I'm afraid to tell him! I have no idea what to do and I thought that because you're not spending all of your time on the toilet pooping you would be able to come up with an answer.

Sincerely,
Unsure Adolescent

Dear Unsure, First off: How very astute of you to come to Zonar for answers. While this, of course, applies to all you silly poop-machines who seek Superion enlightenment, I particularly appreciated your humble demeanor before me.

Now to your query. As with all matters of human emotion, this must be handled delicately. Humans are fragile creatures who must be treated with the utmost care. Hint delicately at your affection or mention occassionally your desire for romance, but do not push! See? Zonar perfectly understands how to politely handle the delicate emotions of humans.

Oh, and are you fat and ugly? Because if so, you probably don't have a chance, Porkypants.

sweet as pie,
Zonar the Love Doctor

Zonar, here's a stumper for you...

What's with all the invisible german midget assasins that keep following me around? I mean, really... it's not so bad right now because I can see their tiny footprints in the snow, but I'm a tad concerned about springtime.

T.J. Craddock
"why is the alphabet in that order, is it because of the song?"

Dear Toe-Jam,

Are you insane? It seems to Zonar that you must be insane. Whoever heard of invisible German midget assasins? There's no such thing!

No, what's really following you are the Ankle Biting Teeth Creatures from the planet Krilnabtazulak. Probably you have particularly delicious foot fungus and they are waiting until you are completely ripe to devour your lower extremeties. You should, indeed, fear Spring, for that is their mating season.

See now how crazy you sounded before?

Universally superior,
Zonar the Superion

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in Ask Zonar, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little human minds. All human minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or mammory-sucking children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless intelligence of the Superion, capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

However, he is not a joly fat elf from the North Pole as he would have you believe, but in fact a hostile alien from Hollixon 25. Ask yourself this, Virgiania: why does Santa bring so many toys and so much candy to the children of Earth? And why does he have to sneak into our houses while we sleep to do it? To my superior mind, his purpose is clear. The presents are to ingratiate himself. The night visits are to make you comfortable with this action. The candy is to make you plump and sluggish. His end goal? I imagine even your feeble human brain might suspect by now; he plans to one day eat all the children on Earth.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in Superions... and that would be dangerously foolish too, human. Because the rest of my people are coming someday, and they're bringing their mental rays with them.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, poop machines!!!!

Merry and oh-so bright,
Zonar the Superion

Are all Superions made out of two-liter bottles, tin foil, and duct tape?

Fernando Gaspacho Vejanwebo Barrbarroso

Dear Person with a ridiculously long fake name,

"Ooh Zonar, you look like you were made out of a pop bottle and tin foil." What a witty remark. How staggeringly original.

Why I haven't heard that one since I was in THIRD GRADE. Prepare yourself for a head-throbbing barrage of MENTAL RAYS!

steamed,
Zonar the Superion

I have a problem for ya to solve. Why am I always... Alone? Alone like a used up public access celebrity, struggling to make it in this crazy world.

What should I do? Oh, by the way, you were aces in that cooler at QD. I think you were going by the name of 'Dr. Pepper' then.

Jesse Ball

Dear Freak,

Without additional information, it would be impossible for even the superior intellect of Zonar to say with certainty the cause of your social isolation, however, let me shoot off a few hypothosi:

1. Maybe you stink
While all humans have a foul odor to my Superion olfactory processors, I have been told that most humans don't find the stench of their species offense if soap and water is regularly applied to your outer layers. However, those humans who refrain from bathing or applying artifical stink blocking chemicals to their armpits are often shunned by their fellows. Take a whiff. Is that you?

2. Snacks
Perhaps you are enjoying a brownie or some macadamia nuts, even though you didn't bring enough for everyone to enjoy. How would it make you feel if someone else did that? Not very good, I'd wager.

3. Island
Are you trapped on a deserted island? If so, perhaps that's why you are alone - because there is no one else there. Have you dig a latrine for your filthy human business or are you just going in the jungle? What are you using for paper?

I don't know what fever dream conjured your comments re: "QD" and "Dr. Pepper," but me being "aces"? Always.

Aces,
Zonar the Superion

zonar,

Sometimes at school other kids pick on me a lot and call me names. My momsays it's 'cause I'm special and that their all just jealous of me. How can I get them to stop being so mean and make 'em be my friends?- Thomas age 8

Tommy,

Listen to Zonar very carefully: you are in grave danger. I am astounded that you have lived eight years with your mother, but clearly she is waiting for you to fatten up. She plans, of course, to devour you soon. Do not be fooled by how "special" she calls you. That's just her own secret code for "tender and juicy". Get out NOW! NOW, I SAY!

As for making other children your friends: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I SAID GET OUT? IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS YOU AREN'T GONE AND YOUR MOTHER WILL DEVOUR YOU! SOON, THE LEAST NUTRITIOUS PARTS OF YOUR BODY WILL BE CONVERTED INTO POOP! ESCAPE, I SAY!

Human parents do eat their young, right?

probably writing to an entree,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,

While perusing your latest installment on your webpage (let's face it, Shifty holds no power when compared to you) I found some rather interesting and shocking statistics. In two of your five letters you use the word "poop" (and in one case "pee" also) in your responses. Being a superior being I would imagine that your vocabulary would be more extensive and you would possess many synonyms for feces and urine. Well, I guess in retrospect this isn't a question at all, but rather a statement made by a hollow shell of a man with nothing better to do than analyze a webpage set up by a creature from another planet. So alone...

Gonna Hang Myself,
Tony

Tony,

Have you met Jesse Ball? Anyway, in case you have not yet shuffled off this mortal coil, allow me to entertain you with just a very few of the alternate words at my disposal for poop:
excriment
doo-doo
bowel fudge
human droppings
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" directed by Ron Howard & starring Jim Carrey
stool

other words for pee:
tinkle
wee wee
Mountain Dew
human juice
old yeller
the Olson twins

I could go on all day, but for doubting my superior intellect for even a nanosecond, let me instead send you a crippling dose of MENTAL RAYS! Take that!

waiting for by Pulitzer,
Zonar the Superion

Why are you such an a**hole? I fell that your readers will like to know. Also my hands are frequently chapped, what may I do to stop this problem?

thanks
dave

Dear confused Earth-moron,

First of all, sorry about the minor alteration on your letter, the geniuses at Amalgamated Humor worry that the concerned mothers of America or some such would summon the hounds of Hell to destroy them should we print the term you used to describe the area of the human body from which waste products are disposed. Silly poop machines.

Now, to your question. I am not an a**hole. As I have tried to explain again and again, the Superion body is 100% efficient, and there is no need for a waste-releasing orifice. So, not only am I not, in whole, an a**hole - I don't have one at all!! Why, it's like asking you why you're such a filangaeic tarthropod, even though the Slugs of Pizhnac are the only creatures in the universe that have those.

See how silly you sound?

As for your hands, try some damn lotion, hammerhead. Some other advice you may find useful:

1. Try breathing in and out for continued living.
2. Feeling hungry? Try eating food until sated!
3. Feeling full? Stop eating now.
4. Feet hurt? Stop slamming the door on them!

Good luck, Dave. I assure you you'll require it.

You can tell how much I love this,
Zonar the Superion

P.S.: Sorry to hear that you fell, typo-boy.

Zonar-

I... that is to say, my friend, has a problem that I want to ask you about. You see my friend has white hair even though I'm... I mean, he... is only 23. What happened? Can you rid me of my freakish hair? Rather... could you rid my FRIEND, of HIS freakish hair? Help Cap'n!

Elderly looking in East Lansing

Dear Grandma

Are you mad? Have you not listened to the advice of Earth Philosopher Kenny Rogers who advises us "You've got to know when to hold 'em, you've got to know when to fold 'em?" Hold 'em, lad, hold 'em! My research into Earth culture indicates that the elderly are revered and treated with the utmost respect by those around them. Use this confusion to live like a king! Save $2 at the movies! Play Bingo all weekend! Drive without regard to traffic signals or other motorists! Wear diapers! And I am not a Cap'n, but since you clearly have Alzheimers, I'll let it go.

-Cap'n Zonar the Superion

Zonar,

You seem to be able to have complete control over inferior humans. Could you give me some advise for controlling my inferior boyfriend?

Sara

Dear Sara,

Have you tried using your mental rays? Oh, that's right, humans don't have the brain-power to produce mental rays like the great Superions from the planet Superion. How insensitive of me to pretend to forget.
Instead, why not make him relient upon you for some necessary function and then exploit this by reminding him whenever he gets out of line. Some possiblities: balancing the books without him, being the only one who cooks, hiding the toilet paper supply, tying him to the bed and breaking his feet.
Also, isn't "inferior humans" a bit redundant?

tickled by my own wit,
Zonar the Superion

Zonar-

My son is 13 and refuses to listen to listen to me. We used to be able to communicate, had a good relationship. Is it something I did? Is there any way to patch things over, or should I just ride out his stormy teenage years?

Parental Problems in Parma

Dear PPP

Did you notice your name has three ps in it? Is that because you have to pee so often? The Superion body is 100% efficient, uses all incoming material, and creates no waste product. It's a far-superior body than your pathetic human frame. You know what else starts with p? Poop! That's another waste product created by the inefficient human body.
As for the problems with your delinquent spawn, the troubles will go away as soon as you devour him. And, thanks to your wasteful fleshbag, you will even see some of him again when your body voids itself of the componant parts it was too inefficient to use.

Superiorally yours,
Zonar the Superion!

Mr. Zonar-

My name is Billy. I am 9. My mom and dad fight alot. How can I get them to stop?

Billy

Dear Crybaby,

Oh, wah wah wah! Mommy and Daddy are fighting, poor me! Wah wah wah! You fool! This is your chance to advance in the family heirarchy! The iron is hot, so strike, lad, strike! Here is what Zonar, with his superior intellect, would do: examine the warring parental units for their strengths and weaknesses, determine who is likely to be the final victor in their conflict, and ally yourself with him or her.
Make sure, however, that when the final conflict comes, the physical stress is taken on largely by the parents themselves. Then, when there is only one left, it is your chance to strike and become king of the family! Now you can put your parents to bed early and stay up late watching the televised rays or pooping or whatever it is you disgusting creatures enjoy.

You don't deserve me,
Zonar the Superion