Dear jobless layabouts,
Have no fear, you have asked, and Zonar the Superion shall deliver. I
have gone to great lengths to answer this query. Join me now, gentle
dimwitted readers, as we travel together to Grove, Oklahoma. We go
seeking employment, but we'll find ever so much more.
We begin our quest by using the most obvious tool at our disposal: The
World Wide Web. While our employment-seekers were smart enough to use
their inferior Earth-computers to contact me, perhaps they neglected to
pursue more obvious avenues of information. So, I first looked into the
employment section of The Grove Sun (http://www.grovesun.com - an odd
title for a newspaper considering that towns in Oklahoma are heated by
the same sun as the rest of the Earth, but you humans do have
difficulties with galactic geography). There I found several possible
options for human employment. A few examples:
oTELLER POSITION Available: Computer Skills, Outgoing Personality
Bondable. Apply in Person: First National Bank of Grove, 600 S. Main.
EOE.
I understand that some of you humans don't have computer skills nor
outgoing personalities, but I have yet to meet a human that wasn't
bondable. In fact, when the Superion Fleets arrive to overthrow the
Earth, we intend to bond whole continents of people together and shoot
them into the sun. With enough duct tape, any poop machine is bondable.
oHELP WANTED KITCHEN Help, Waitress and Hostess, Golden House - 540 W.
3rd St. - Lakeview Mall, Ask for Yong or Soo.
I don't know if you're interested in being a waiter or a waitress, but
if after a bit you find you don't like this job, you could always just
break off a chunk of the golden house and live off that for a while. Be
careful Yong or Soo don't catch you, though.
oDANCERS/EXOTIC EXCELLENT Working Conditions. All tips kept.
Call 918-533-2701 or 918-674-2221. Roadhouse Lounge in Quapaw.
Now this sounds promising. Who wouldn't want to work in conditions that
can be described as both exotic and excellent? Also, apparently the
management won't be constantly bothering you with dancing tips. They
keep them to themselves.
Check out the home page for Precision Machine and Manufacturing in Grove
( http://www.precisiongrove.com/) . The site doesn’t say whether or not
they’re hiring right now, but I have a suspicion they could at least use
a web designer. Oh, I’ve seen uglier websites before, but not since
www.nakedgeorgekennedy.com .
Not content to merely virtually visit Grove on my quest to find gainful
employment for my readers, I decided to pay a visit to the town itself.
I found the Grove Chamber of Commerce (http://www.groveok.org/) to be
positively bloated with interesting information. Well, bloated with
information, anyway.
Follow the community profile link to Monkey Island, the chamber site
reads: "It is believed Monkey Island got its name when local residents
became aware that, with the building of the Pensacola Dam, their area
would be nearly surrounded by the lake waters. They began to joke that
soon they would be just like the monkeys at the Tulsa Zoo who were kept
on
a small island surrounded by a moat, and the name stuck."
"Nearly surrounded" by water makes it nearly appropriate to call it an
island. Also, it's full of humans which are nearly monkeys. You know,
if they really wanted a name that would stick, I could have suggested a
couple. Even though it isn't and island and doesn't have any monkeys,
Monkey Island is "filled with unique gift and clothing shops, some
visible from the street, some located within the resorts." Well, maw,
we done seen all the gift stores there am here on the street- I wonders
if they might be more hiding.
I join Grand Grove Opry Entertainment Director Bobby Poe onstage for a rendition of "This Isn't the Career I Dreamed Of When I Decided to be a Country Musician."
|
But the biggest draw in Grove had to be the Grand Grove Opry
(http://www.grandgroveopry.com/) - before it closed, that is. But as
the site assures us, "The Grand Grove Opry Cast - Oklahoma's Finest
Traveling Country Music Show!’ lives on." With an exclamation point
right in the middle of their name, you know this has to be true. I
caught one of their shows and "enjoyed" the down-home "charm" of Clint
Walker's (http://www.grandgroveopry.com/clint.html) toilet paper suit
and Rhonda Dayringer's (http://www.grandgroveopry.com/rhonda.html)
Monica Lewinsky imitation. Remember when R & B super-producer Babyface
(http://www.grandgroveopry.com/babyface.html) had a hand in every Grammy
winning hit a few years ago? Who ever thought he would wind up here and
looking so different? Apparently he's been visiting Michael Jackson's
surgeon.
Unfortunately, the show I saw was after they’d lost one of their biggest
stars ? Melise Jow, who has gone on to bigger and better
things. Shortly after this shot was taken, she was never seen
again, but people in Grove were heard to comment in the coming weeks
"these Big Macs are Melise-licious!"
Perhaps our readers could find work with this merry band of minstrels!
Are you talented, innovative musicians and crowd-pleasing entertainers?
If so, keep looking!
My last suggestion for those looking for work in Grove is to check with
the fire-fighting clowns
(http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Cottage/7800/). Dear God, do I even
have to make a joke about this? No, I don't think I do.
So, dear readers, what is my final suggestion for those looking for work
in Grove?
Don't.
Snobbishly yours,
Zonar the Superion
