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» Mankind's foray into space

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You fat, fat, fatties.

I have heard rumors of a fish that exists on your planet Earth that is so stupid that if it is continuously supplied with food it will eat and eat until it is so overstuffed that it dies. Fun as this notion is, my research indicates that stories of such nautical nincompoops are simply legends. There is really only one creature on earth so stupid as to never stop eating: the human being.

Your human federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in the country of America recently announced that at the rate it is gaining on your bizarre habit of inhaling the noxious byproduct of lighted nicotine sticks, obesity will soon be the number one cause of preventable death in the leading country of the alleged civilized world.

Or, to put it more simply for your simple minds: if you don't put down that ham sandwich, you are going to die. And soon, fatty.

Perhaps I judge too harshly. After all, I am from an alien race whose biology has been so well designed that we function by consuming only atoms and have no waste by-products. I do not know the hunger pangs you know. However, I have been blessed with a superior mind and therefore a superior imagination and even I cannot imagine how a culture has gotten so gluttonous and slothful that your Jerry Springer is repeatedly required to saw the walls of your domiciles to extricate the massive blobs of human body mass wallowing in it's own fatty tissue and Twinkie wrappers.

By the Great Orb of Superion, you people are disgusting! Lately I'd think I was stranded on a planet of Hutts if only the conversation was a tiny bit better.

Because of the limitations of your biological makeup, you are required to eat to live. That's the only reason. Please believe Zonar that you are going to survive without that second helping of grasshopper pie. You will make it.

Will mankind be able to change their gorging habits before your human hearses are required to come equipped with monster-truck tires to bear the girth of your corpulent corpses decomposing in their piano-sized coffins on the way to your final enormous resting place?

Hope comes from an unexpected sector: cooked cattle carcass vendor McDonalds announced recently that they will discontinue their popular super-size menu later this year. For those of you who don't know what it is, the super-size menu offered patrons of the chemically-flavored foodstuff providers even larger portions of their deadly fried potato stalks and flavored sugar waters at a comparative monetary value.

"Supersize me!" customers were encouraged to gleefully order, and so McDonalds did. They supersized your fries, they supersized your drinks, and they supersized your buttocks. Go ahead and sneer and blame the corporation all you want, but you shoveled it down your gullet yourself. You can't blame McDonald's for the fact that the only thing in your house that is shaped like a pear is you.

Also, remember, when McDonald's does forcibly limit your saturated fat take-out portions later this year, the options they'll leave you with aren't exactly health food. Remember that if you live long enough, fatso.

I beg you to heed these warnings, you rotund sacks of lard. Zonar does not want you all to explode from eating too many pork chops. Zonar wants the human race to live and thrive and carry on long enough for the Superion Invasion Force to get to your planet and violently eradicate your fat butts from the universe forever with our 100% effective death-laser diet plan. It beats the pus out of Atkins.

Agree? Disagree? E-mail zonar@capnwacky.com