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This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Narc

Films based on primitive human video-game amusements are always a bad idea, but I'm particularly baffled that they've made a live-action version of the 1980s anti-drug shooting-spree Narc.

Does anyone honestly want to see two hours of Ray Liotta shooting bald guys in trench coats that are trying to throw giant syringes at him interrupted only by the occasional insane clown? Zonar thinks not.

Just saying no has never been easier.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

This was a very fine film. I had no problems with it whatsoever.

I express this opinion in the manner of self-preservation. Once, whilst working for another publication, I gave a brilliant but cutting review to that "Ex-Men" film and was beset upon by hordes of angry fanboys, insenced that I had dared to find fault with "their" beloved funnybook characters.

I had to hire a priest to remove their stench from my office.

So, to summarize: Good film, though my opinion will be vastly different when I am asked by the gentlemen down at the club.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Chicago

Perhaps you people could help me clear something up.

Did you get the survey from Hollywood that asked if we still wanted them to keep bringing back the musical genre as a popular storytelling form every couple of years or so? No? Well, how about the one asking if we wanted to see Richard Gere sing and dance? No? Hrm.

WELL THEN WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO THEY KEEP TRYING? AND RICHARD GERE? Musicals are dead! Have we not learned from "Newsies?" "Everyone Says I Love You?" People don't want to waste their time on this trifle unless they're starring the inestimable Robert Preston or enchanting Shirley Jones, and they're dead! Well, at least Robert Preston is, I'm not sure about Ms. Jones. Is she the one with the glass eye? I could never keep that sorted out. No matter, that's not my point.

Keep these song and dance fests in the live theater, where the morons who deserve to be parted with their $150 a ticket can go and see them and we can stand and laugh outside when they exit the lobby.

Of course I have no complaint about Ms. Joey Lauren Adams of "Chasing Amy" fame in that hot roaring twenties get up. Rawrr!