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THE MERCHANT OF VENICE

Ah, the ever-subtle acting skills of Mr. Al Pacino combined with the masterful wordsmithery of Mr. William Shakespeare. Kind of like hiring the Green Bay Packers to perform Swan Lake, isn't it? Let's watch a clip:

"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you cast me do I not yell all of my lines at the top of my lungs as if this were not merely the only way to convey rage but also as if rage were the only emotion that exists? RAAARRRRRRR, I'M AL PACINO!!! RAAAAAAARRRRRR!"

RACING STRIPES

This movie, about a zebra who races against horses (honest), boasts about including the voice "talents" of Frankie Muniz, Mandy Moore, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jeff Foxworthy, Snoop Dogg, Joe Pantoliano, Steve Harvey, David Spade, Dustin Hoffman, and Whoopi Goldberg. Trying to distract us from an inane plotless piece of dreck like this by mentioning all the B-list celebrities and has-beens involved is a lot like pouring very cheap cologne over a steaming pile of human excrement... either way, we can still tell it stinks.

COACH CARTER

Sometimes I despise Hollywood script monkeys and other times I think that maybe there aren't actually any writers at all, but instead there are a handful of scripts and a computer program that goes through and slightly reshuffles the scenes and renames the characters. Either way, I think this is approximately the 49 millionth time they've made this movie.

FAT ALBERT

This film appears to be a modern remake of Luigi Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of An Author" replacing the Italian writer's family of lost souls with Bill Cosby's cartoon characters from the 1970s. In this weighty work of psychological drama, disaffected abandoned fictional characters leave their artificial world to demand answers form their creator. Of course we, the audience, know that in truth the characters have merely left one fictional universe for another one and that they are still the pawns of the all-powerful author. The implications raised are delicious and stimulating! I believe I have changed my mind on this film and shall, in fact, go see it!

AHOY THERE, INTERWEBBERS! 'TIS I, CAP'N WACKY, TYPING AWAY HERE FOR A MOMENT WHILE ZOMAR IS OFF WATCHIN' THE FILM ABOUT THE FAT BOY. HE LEFT HIS COMPUTOR ON, HE DID, STILL LOGGED IN. HA HA! HIS ACCOUNT IS STIL UP ON AMAZON.COM! I'M GOING TO ORDER HIM DVDS OF "AIR BUD", "FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY", THE COMPLETE POLICE ACADEMY SERIES, AND "COOL AS ICE." ZOMAR IS A DUMMY FACE! HAR HAR! WILL OUR PRETENSIOUS ALIEN FRIEND ENJOY HIS MOVIEGOING EXPERIENCE? LET'S FIND OUT, BACK TO ZOMAR...

Damn you once again, Hollywood! A Superion may not be human, but if you prick us, do we not bleed? (No, we don't) If you tickle us, do we not laugh? (We do not) If you poison us, do we not die? (No) And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? (We shall. Oh yes, we shall.)