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HOUSE OF WAX

I know! Let’s take a strange, unusual, classic horror movie and update it by making it as absolutely run-of-the-mill conventional as we possibly can.

I can hear the pitch now: “House of Wax, without Vincent Price, but with more tits!” Ugh.

I hope they at least left in the thrilling paddleball sequence from the original.

This movie also bares the distinction of featuring Paris Hilton in her first major screen role, you know, kind of.

MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED AND FABULOUS

I’ll believe half of that subtitle.

SIN CITY

This movie is widely being reported to be the most faithful adaptation of a comic book every committed to screen.

And they’re saying it like that’s a good thing.

Also, they’re saying it may resurrect Mickey Rourke’s career, so thanks for that too Messers Miller and Rodriguez. Thanks for nothing!

FEVER PITCH

This movie is directed by The Farrely Brothers, who also ­ Oh wait, I can just stop there, right?

THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

This movie opens with the destruction of the planet Earth, which I obviously find to be a fairly appealing premise. Unfortunately, it is not my Superion brethren who do the destroying, which is absolute nonsense. We’ve made it very clear to the rest of the universe that we are coming for your poo-infested planet and they know all too well to stay out of our way.

KICKING AND SCREAMING

The only way you’d get me to see this.