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AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS

And should you ever endeavor to travel around the world in 80 days, I believe there is a film version of this story for you to watch on every single day. Note that I did say "watch" and not "enjoy."

Allow me to point out that, rather than billing this as the definitive film version of a work of literature, they are instead trying to sell it as a Jackie Chan action/comedy. This, despite the fact that Mr. Chan is not even playing the main character. Confidence, like this adaptation, is not inspired.

SUPER SIZE ME

Maybe a documentary about a man who eats every single meal at fast food restaurants until he balloons up to an unhealthy girth is not appealing to you, but I always like to see Marlon Brando working.

GARFIELD

It may seem strange that the trailers for Garfield, ostensibly a film aimed at children, would rely heavily on references to "Risky Business," a sex comedy that came out in 1983, but I think that's the director's clever acknowledgment that it's also been that long since anyone gave a half a damn about Garfield.

I've heard some humans discussing weather or not this movie should've been all animated or the mix of CGI and reality that it is. I've heard others suggest that canine sidekick Odie should also have been computer generated. I think, however, that I have picked up on one interesting detail that these scholars have missed that render their very arguments purely academic. The bit of minutiae that I have noticed is this: Garfield sucks.

Bill Murray was upset that he did not win the Oscar earlier this year. Sorry, Bill, but we already knew you had signed on to do this movie. We may have forgiven Sean Penn for "I Am Sam" but we have to draw the line somewhere. Oscar winners do not do Garfield movies, it's as simple as that.

SOUL PLANE

Condescending to even touch it.

Seriously, this damnable Garfield abomination is going to make a lot of money, I bet. People whose income is so miniscule that they have to labor for two hours of their life to earn enough money to pay for a single ticket to this monstrosity are going to go and even bring along their glue-eating, malnourished offspring, ensuring that the next generation of humans grows up just as dull as the last and we have to continue to endure this sort of nonsense for the rest of our lives. It's a horrible, horrible cycle.

TROY

Brad Pitt stars in the title role of this Troy Donahue biopic. Orlando Bloom appears as Suzanne Pleshette.

You know what else? This Garfield movie, this uninspired assemblage or cheap jokes and easy references tacked on to a supposedly cute, sarcastic CG character is CERTAIN to bring on a damned sequel in a few years.

SHREK 2

I rest my case.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

The latest offering from writer/director Roland Emmerich who hasn't really had a hit since 1996's "Independence Day," right at the height of the mid-90s dull, loud, confusing disaster movie revival. Now, eight years later, he's back... with the same idea!

Note to studios: this man made the 1998 Godzilla movie. You are allowed to stop giving him money.

WHITE CHICKS

Suddenly Garfield doesn't look so bad.