ALSO:
» Ask Zonar
» Zonar's Store

CINDERELLA MAN

Russell Crowe in a update of Jerry Lewis's "Cinderfella" has got to be one of the worst movie ideas I've heard in a long time. Leave the classics alone, people!

Apparently this movie didn't open very strongly and, as a result, Crowe started throwing phones at people. Unfortunately, none of these phones were flung at people like, say, the screenwriter or the director.

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS

The title of this movie is the same thing we call the girls in the typing pool here at Amalgamated Humor, the sluts. I definitely do not need to see a movie about them.

THE LONGEST YARD

More like "The Longest Yawn." Isn't it about time another former Saturday Night Live alum died tragically too young? Because I vote for Adam Sandler.

BEWITCHED

On the other hand, Sandler's star may be in decline, while Will Ferrell's seems to, inexplicably, still be on the rise. Perhaps I should reconsider my vote.

A big-screen "Bewitched" and "The Honeymooners" released in the same month! What happens when Hollywood runs out of sitcoms and comic books to make into movies? Do they just start over from the beginning of the list again or do they move on to adapting limericks and campfire songs?

I hear Nicole Kidman may take a page out of her ex-husband's playbook and start dating Malcolm in the Middle to promote this movie.

MONSTER-IN-LAW

At first I thought this movie was going to be about Charleze Theron playing an ugly serial killer who comes back from the dead only to get married and cause trouble for her new husband's family. Instead it's the first movie starring Jane Fonda (daughter of one of the most respected actors in Hollywood history) after a 15 year absence from the screen. After all this time, she carefully selected returning in... a Jennifer Lopez vehicle. Why the long wait between movies? Estimates are that Henry was juuuuuuust about done spinning in his grave over the whole Ted Turner thing.

HERBIE: FULLY LOADED

...with crap.