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Hello, Poop Machines! 'Tis I, Zonar the Superion, your mental superior. I have often tried, over the years, to distract myself from the misery of living among your insipid kind by partaking in escapist entertainment. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before I came to the simple realization than Earth movies suck. To show you how I am your cultural as well as intellectual superior, I have decided to begin reviewing movies. But anyone can do that, Zonar intends to take it a step further and explain to you what's wrong with Earth movies... without even watching them! Really, after you've seen one or two there's really no need to catch the rest. So, without further delay, I bring you Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing!

This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing was last weekend's inexplicable #1 movie at the box office:
Swimf@n

First off, I don't even know how to pronounce the name of this movie. For movie executives and other illiterates, let me explain that the "@" symbol is pronounced "at." So is this movie Swimfatn? Swim Fat N? Swim Fatten? None of these make any sense, but neither does going to see this movie after you've seen the preview.

Julia Stiles has got to be royally peeved about this movie. She goes making Shakespeare movies interspersed with movies based on the bard's work, and then her evil twin goes and stars in this steaming pile of turd. You know poor Julia is hearing people yell at her out of passing automobiles that "Swimfatten sucks!"

Who is this movie aimed at? It's apparently geared toward internet obsessed swim team enthusiasts with stalker tendencies. Is that a viable niche market? I would think swim team enthusiasts alone are rare enough.

My guess is there are 2 reasons this movie was #1 last weekend: 1. It was competing only against movies that have been out for quite a while and Pluto Nash and 2. The trailer implies a pretty girl get naked or at least scantily clad. Boys, if that what gets you into the theatre, please stop pretending that you're interested in the plot of tripe like Swimfatten. It's just embarrassing. Please just go get porn like an honest pervert. I thank you, and Julia Stiles thanks you.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Stealing Harvard

Reason I have no intention of seeing it: Tom Green is in it.